Flamenco: the dance of love

Katia Ruiz and Raffi Sekzenian share a love for flamenco, life and each other that transcends time and age.

She’s 64; he’s 38. She’s the teacher; he’s the student. At first glance, Katia and Raffi might conjure up images of Anne Bancroft and Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate – the 1960s film that clocked one up for older women everywhere. Freud exponents would probably love to have a field day with the pair and more than a few passers-by have raised a judgmental eyebrow in their direction. None of that matters, however, to this affectionate, down-to-earth couple; they laugh at their critics and smile knowingly at each other...

What they know is that they’re in love and what they’re smiling about is that it’s nobody’s business but their own. “We honestly don’t worry about what other people think,” says Raffi. “We’re so happy that nothing else matters,” adds Katia.

That’s not to say that they’ve never had their doubts. “When Raffi showed me he had feelings for me I told him straight up, ‘I’m almost twice your age and I’m old enough to be your mother’,” says Katia, who was 53 when she met 28-year-old Raffi. His answer was simple but it’s the one they’ve lived by ever since. “He just said, ‘So what?’, and I couldn’t argue with that,” laughs Katia.

Raffi walked into Katia’s life 10 years ago – through the doors of her flamenco dance studio in Sydney’s Neutral Bay. “I originally thought flamenco was a bit like salsa dancing and thought it would be a good way to meet girls,” explains Raffi with a grin. “I was very disappointed when I realised you had to dance by yourself.” Raffi had become disillusioned by a few of the dance studios he’d tried, but was intrigued enough by the art form of flamenco to continue with it. He was just about to go to Spain to learn more about the dance when he found a card for Katia’s studio in a cafe. “It mentioned that her style was direct from Spain and, as I was just about to go there, I thought she might be able to help me,” he says.

Having studied and taught flamenco for more than 20 years at that point, Katia was well-equipped to offer Raffi advice on where to go and what to learn on his travels. “I could tell she knew more than anyone else I’d ever spoken to so it was a blessing to meet her just before I left,” says Raffi.

Three months later, he returned from Spain with a great enthusiasm for flamenco and immediately joined Katia’s dance class. “Once I saw how she danced I knew I was in the right place because she taught the traditional form that I’d just seen in Spain,” he explains.

At the time, there was no spark of romantic chemistry between the pair, but a mutual respect and common interest in dance soon emerged. “Of course, I thought of him as a student but I could tell that he shared a sincere interest in the art form, so we developed a real bond,” says Katia. “It never crossed my mind that we’d be any more than friends with a common interest in dance.”

As the months went by, Katia and Raffi spent more and more time in the studio and also chatted over coffee or the occasional lunch. Within a year they had become firm friends. “He just seemed to have a very sensitive, mature way about him that made him easy to talk to,” says Katia. Raffi adds, “I found her honest and fun to be around and there was no silliness about her, which made it easy to become friends… I’d never had that sort of easy friendship with a woman before”.

It was at the end of that first year that Katia, who was divorced and living alone, realised she needed a flatmate to help her with the rent. “I started looking around for house mates but I wasn’t having any luck,” she says. “I wanted someone who I could trust, perhaps with a similar interest in the arts… It’s not that easy when you’re a fifty-three-year-old woman to find a house mate you can relate to.” Katia’s search was answered a couple of months later by Raffi when he told her he had found someone to move in with her. “I asked him who and he just said ‘Me!’ with a big smile on his face,” Katia recalls. “I had reservations about sharing my house with a student, but it was more about maintaining the professional relationship rather than any male-female thing.”

Raffi, who had been living at home with his parents, assured Katia that it wouldn’t compromise their professional relationship and she agreed on a trial period. Raffi’s parents, however, were not so happy about his plans to move out. “My folks are traditional Armenian so I don’t think it would have mattered who I moved in with; they just wanted me at home,” he explains.

As flatmates, Katia and Raffi made the perfect pair. “I laid down a few house rules and told him ‘I’m not your mother so don’t expect me to wash and iron and cook and clean the house for you’,” laughs Katia. “But he was so easygoing and quiet that it was simple to share my space with him and we also had that common interest in flamenco so it’s not as if he wanted to play heavy metal and I wanted to play my Spanish music.”

Although their friendship did deepen during the months that followed, the pair still didn’t feel any romantic attraction for each other. “I can honestly say that I didn’t have a crush on her or anything like that,” says Raffi. “I also didn’t think of her as an older woman. She doesn’t look it and she certainly doesn’t act it. I just thought of her as another friend, but a close one that I could confide in.”

As time went on, Katia and Raffi became like two peas in a pod. “It was like having a close comrade and confidant,” says Katia. “We’d go away for weekends together but we’d always stay in separate rooms, or at least separate beds.” It was on one of these trips that the friendship finally took an intimate turn. “We were just chatting and he touched me gently on my leg,” Katia remembers. “I didn’t feel like he was making a move on me or anything like that, but when I looked at him I knew how he felt and I knew I felt the same way.”

As it struck Katia that she and Raffi shared romantic feelings for one another, so did the reality of their age difference. “That’s when I said, ‘I’m not comfortable with this. I’m old enough to be your mother,” she remembers. Raffi interjects: “I told her I didn’t care about any of that. I was sure about the way I felt and I knew it was right”.

Albeit with some reservations, Katia finally gave in but added a clause that underpins their relationship to this day. “I said, ‘Okay, we’ll give it a go, but if you find someone who’s younger I’ll understand so just be honest with me’,” she says. “I was very aware that he was a young man who had his life ahead of him and I didn’t want to get in the way of him having children.”

By Linda Peatling. Photography: Scott Hawkins. Hair & Make-up: David Novak-Piper