Exam blues

The combination of adolescence and the final year of high school can leave the relationship between mother and daughter strained. Psychotherapist Carolyn Parfitt offers some helpful thoughts.

“I’m in despair about how to help my daughter get through her Higher School Certificate exams. She doesn’t let me help her at all. Sometimes she seems to hate me. What have I done wrong? Perhaps I should have been more involved in her schoolwork before now. I just want her to do as well as she can so she is happy and fulfilled in life. We were very close for all of her earlier life, and now we’ve had our worst year ever. I’m heartbroken. I can’t seem to say or do anything right. I know it’s a stressful time for her, but I’m having trouble biting my tongue.” Rosie, Dulwich Hill, NSW

What a cocktail of competing stresses those final years of high school pose. Who ever thought the combination of adolescent preoccupations, including an increased interest in both social life and sex, with final-year exams and worries about ‘the rest of your life’ would be a good idea? Add to this the fact that the push and pull between a mother and her daughter reaches a peak during this time as the daughter strives to become her own separate woman, and it can be a very tense time indeed. Here are some ideas that might provide a basis for your own discussions on the subject. As all teenagers are individuals and all families have their own dynamics, no doubt you’ll take some of the ideas on board and reject others.

Stepping back

While it is extremely difficult to step back and let things take their course, particularly at a time when your every instinct is to protect your child, it might help to keep the bigger picture in mind at this time – that is, your daughter’s growth and development, and your relationship with her, beyond and regardless of exam results.

One redeeming quality of these major exams (some might say the only redeeming quality) is that they offer teenagers the challenge of a difficult obstacle to face up to and overcome. This can be valuable practice for meeting the other challenges and deadlines that will inevitably confront them throughout their lives.

Your daughter is in the middle of the metamorphosis between adolescence and adulthood, and one of the things she needs most from you now is to feel your trust in her ability to handle whatever comes her way. This is your challenge. How well can you take a back seat? You can’t do these exams for her and you can’t force her to accept your assistance. But you can let her know you’re there for her and you trust her to ask for your help whenever she wants it.

123   |  Single page