My son and I

Becoming a father is exciting, but it can also raise daunting expectations. Carolyn Parfitt has some reassuring advice.

“I’m going to be a dad in a couple of months and while I’m happy and excited on the one hand, inside I’m quietly terrified of not measuring up. My greatest fear is that my son (we know the baby’s gender) will end up as estranged from me as I am from my father. How can I ensure this doesn’t happen? My parents split up when I was two years old, and I’ve also realised I’m afraid of losing the great relationship I have with my partner. I love her so much. I know she’ll be fairly preoccupied with the baby for a while, but I’m afraid that our life will change for ever.” Simon, Whyalla, SA

Nice to hear from you, Simon. I wish more prospective parents could talk about the fears that arise for them in the lead-up to this major life change. It would be strange not to have some fears right now – after all, no matter how many generations have gone before you, you’re stepping into the great unknown. That’s scary. What will your life with a baby look like? Certainly it will be different. For a start, you’ll be a family rather than just a couple, and this brings a host of changes both between yourselves and with regard to your wider circle. It might be hard to imagine now, but I’d lay odds that your life will be deeply enriched by this extra dimension and you’ll experience a love such as you’ve never known.

What fears tell us

Based on our individual experiences in the world, our fears primarily tell us about ourselves. While you might fear mirroring the relationship you have with your father, for example, this particular fear won’t occur to a whole range of other men, who will have their own set of fears. Your fear indicates you were hurt and saddened by not being closer to your dad and you wish this wasn’t the case. You are wise to be aware that relationship patterns tend to get repeated down family lines and to consider how you might avoid this.

Start with yourself

The most important thing anyone can do for their children is to iron out the wrinkles in their own self-esteem – and particularly their own ability to have satisfying relationships. This means becoming aware of any patterns, blockages, weak spots or mistaken beliefs that get in the way of this goal, and challenging them. (This usually requires at least a few professional counselling sessions, but they’re definitely a worthwhile investment.)

Why bother about your self-esteem now? Because how you feel about yourself will affect not only how your child eventually feels about you, but how he feels about himself. Children acquire a lot of their self-image from their same-sex parent (‘if he’s like that, I must be like that, too’), so everyone benefits when parents feel good about themselves.

Fortunately you have plenty of time to work on this, so there’s no need to panic. Babies and little children simply love their parents without asking much in return – just cuddles and care, love, food and comfort – and you could easily enjoy a decade of this adoration before he realises that maybe you don’t know everything after all. So make the best of this time.

The cup half-full

Your letter gives several clues to your need for a little help with self-esteem issues. For instance, you’re “quietly terrified of not measuring up”. Why wouldn’t you measure up? Who says? You’re also “afraid of losing” your relationship with your partner. Why? Couldn’t your relationship just as easily become stronger and richer as a result of having a child together?

Of course, what you’re expressing here is that you’re really enjoying things just as they are and you don’t want that to change. It’s touching to hear how much you love your partner. You both obviously have a lot going for you. In the busyness of the weeks after your son arrives, there might come a day when you long for the good times and the exclusiveness of the relationship you have now. It can be sad, even though you’ve gained so much, and it might help to acknowledge it and talk to your partner about those feelings.

When we believe things will change “for ever”, we tend to focus on the negative, scary side of this – but isn’t it equally possible change can be for the better?

Your experience so far

You can probably see that to a large extent your fears come from having witnessed your own parents’ experience of marriage and becoming parents, and your experience of a father-son relationship. Naturally, it’s hard not to be influenced by these events. Fortunately you are not your parents and you have the chance to create something wonderful and new that’s all your own. Talk to your partner about the kind of family life you want to have and how you can go about creating it together.

About your dad

I don’t know the circumstances of your estrangement from your father, but I do know that any work you can do towards understanding and resolving your relationship with him will make it less likely you will perpetuate the same problems in the next generation. By ‘resolving’, I don’t mean you have to become best friends; it’s a matter of coming to understand the driving forces behind your relationship and achieving some sense of peace for yourself with regard to it. If you achieve greater respect for your father along the way, and vice versa, that will be a bonus. No matter what mistakes parents make – and you’d be hard pressed to find any who haven’t made mistakes – the bottom line is that most do their best with the resources at their disposal.

‘Mothering’ the mother

You’re right – your partner will be very preoccupied with your new baby for quite some time after he arrives, and your loving support will be vital. If you can take the first week or two off work (more if you can manage it) you can get to know your new baby together. Women have different views about what they want from their partners at this time, so keep asking your partner what she would like you to do.

My own view is that the best thing the father can do is to take care of the mother so she can take care of the baby – that is, handle the food shopping, prepare nourishing meals, do the endless washing of clothes, clean the house and so on, as well as sharing as much of the baby care as you can. A woman is wired differently from a man and is likely to be more emotionally drained from the huge experience of being pregnant for nine months, the anticipation of giving birth, then giving birth, and now feeling responsible for keeping a dependent infant alive, so the less she has to do outside of looking after the baby the better, for as long as is feasible.

Feeding a new baby is a large part of its care, and you can assist by bringing your partner a glass of water or herbal tea, sitting with her and talking, massaging her feet or, if bottle-feeding, by taking turns at feeding to give her a break. She has never done this before either, so let her know she’s doing great.

There’s an old wives’ tale that says a woman will remember for the rest of her life what her husband did for her when their first child was born. Asking around, I’m starting to think it could be true. Some women say they don’t know how they would have coped without their partner’s help; others have different stories, and none of them seem to forget. Make this knowledge work for you and your relationship, which, with any luck, will be there long after the baby has grown up and moved out of home.

The importance of dads

Research in the last decade or so has examined the role of fathers and discovered what nature has always known: fathers are important. Specifically, because a father’s natural parenting style is different to the nurturing, soothing style of mothers, it has its own particular benefits for the child’s development. Fathers tend to be more playful and joking in their interactions with their children and, often to the mother’s despair, have a knack of getting children worked up with fear as well as delight. This has the effect of teaching children how to regulate their feelings.

They also learn what researcher Ross Parke of the University of California calls ‘emotional communication’ skills, because during this kind of play they learn to decipher their father’s non-verbal cues – his facial expression, tone of voice and subtle gestures – and figure out, for example, whether he’s joking or not, hurt or not, and so on. These skills will then help them learn to communicate their own emotions to others.

Australian psychologist Steve Biddulph encourages fathers to be involved with their children from early on and to acknowledge that boys need their dads to be around a lot. “Do stuff with your son,” he advises. “The path to closeness with sons is activity together. But be sure to talk, too.”

Being good enough

While it is helpful to learn as much as you can about ‘good’ parenting and raising healthy, happy children, it’s also helpful to put all that information aside and just have fun. You’ll make mistakes – so what? As long as you have the intention to do the best you can as a father and provide the basics of love, caring, understanding and attention, you can’t go too far wrong. All the best to you and your partner for a beautiful baby and a wonderful life.

Need advice?

Email your question to Carolyn Parfitt at relate@notebookmagazine.com. Sydney readers may arrange personal professional consultations with Carolyn by emailing cparfitt@bigpond.net.au.

 

Photography: Scott Hawkins.