Cope with sibling rivalry

Psychotherapist Carolyn Parfitt advises a reader whose son has been behaving badly since the arrival of a new baby.

“Since the birth of my new baby six months ago, my three-year-old’s personality has changed completely. My sweet, happy little boy has turned into a cranky monster. He has terrible temper tantrums (sometimes in public), he talks back to me, and the other day I know he did something that made the baby cry, although I didn’t see what it was. I tried hard to prepare him for the arrival of a sibling, making it sound like an exciting event, but it seems to have backfired. What can I do now?” Monica, Gosford, NSW

It can be heartbreaking when you give your child the gift of a sibling to keep him company and brighten his days, then discover he would prefer you to return the gift and go back to life as it was. Parents often agonise over the ‘ideal’ age gap and how to prepare their firstborn for this significant event, so it’s difficult when their forethought isn’t rewarded. Take heart – most firstborns grow to love their siblings and there’s much you can do to assist the process.

Why siblings are important

Our relationships with our siblings are very important, teaching us much that we’ll use in future relationships. No longer the sole focus of their parents’ attention, older children start to learn they are not the centre of the universe, which can come as a shock. For the younger child, the older sibling is a major influence because he or she is there from the time the youngest is born and may be the longest relationship of their lives. In the face of the inevitable comparisons the younger child will endure, he invariably learns to find ways to stand out and be different from this rival.

Siblings also teach each other lessons about sharing, arguing, resolving disputes (or not), jealousy, rivalry, love, caring and being supported. They come into their own when life’s big events occur. Whether the event is joyous or painful, few people can share what you’re going through in quite the same way as a sibling. Which isn’t to say that old antagonisms don’t arise from time to time. 

Preparing for the arrival

It is possible to over-prepare a child for the arrival of a sibling, creating a feeling that some dramatic, life-changing, scary or absolutely wonderful thing is about to happen, rather than a normal event that your family will enjoy and adjust to over time. Talking about it in an accepting way is more helpful than emphasising that it will mean a ‘huge change’ and ‘things will be very different’.

To reassure an older child and help him feel connected to his new sibling, you can show him the ultrasound pictures, encourage him to talk to the baby in your tummy, buy him a gift to give the baby and one for the baby to give him, and make sure he understands who will take care of him when you go to the hospital to give birth. In order to avoid any disappointment, explain that the baby won’t be able to play with him or talk for quite a while.

Thoughts in pregnancy

Because toddlers are very good at picking up their mothers’ anxieties, I’m wondering how you felt – and feel – about bringing a baby into your little boy’s life. Often, before a baby is born, parents wonder if they could ever love another child as much as the one they already have. When they do fall in love with the newborn, the feeling of deserting one for the other can be gut-wrenching and bring on feelings of guilt. What‘s happening for you? When your son acts out, do you feel it’s your fault for having another baby? Look to the future and try not to get hooked into this.

Echoes of childhood

What is your position in your family of origin – eldest, only, second or beyond? And what’s your own experience of sibling rivalry? Whatever the answers to these questions, your own experience is likely to be giving an extra ‘charge’ to your current situation. It’s helpful to be aware of this so you can try to act objectively rather than react from your own ‘wounded child’ state.    

Simple but effective

Reward your son when he’s cooperative and encourage his empathy by being empathetic to him (for example, by saying ‘I know it can be tough when everyone pays so much attention to the baby’). Do not model or tolerate aggressive behaviour: avoid yelling or smacking, tell him you don’t approve of that behaviour in others, and monitor his television viewing.

Time alone together

It’s helpful if both parents spend time alone with the ‘upsurped’ child each day. You have to fit this time around the baby’s needs and other things, but whatever you manage is better than no attempt.

Worth trying

I recently came across a program devised by Sydney paediatrician Dr Michael Zilibowitz, which seems to be an effective aid for all parents of young children, particularly those whose child seems to need more attention. Called Watch, Wait and Wonder, it requires the parent to sit in a closed room with the child while he or she plays for 20 to 30 minutes, ideally three times a week. Have a toy box ready (see In the toy box, opposite), let the child know this is his time to play, and observe him with interest, without directing or intervening. It usually takes a few attempts before you can do it without stepping in, because it’s second nature for parents to instruct, teach and question.

Dr Zilibowitz says that children are communicating in their play, and if you sit back and observe, you’re allowing them to develop the themes of their inner world.

The themes children communicate are usually about their relationship with a parent, so you have to be able to accept what is acted out. You’ll have a better understanding of what the child is feeling and the relationship between you. Your child’s behaviour should improve as he now has an outlet for expressing his inner feelings, and having your full attention will help him to feel important again.

 

Helpful books

• Understanding Sibling Rivalry: The Brazelton Way by T. Berry Brazelton and Joshua D. Sparrow (Da Capo Press, 2005)
• Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Become Cooperative, Caring and Compassionate by Peter Goldenthal (Henry Holt and Company, 1999)

In the toy box

If you would like to try Dr Michael Zilibowitz’s Watch, Wait and Wonder program (see Worth trying, opposite), have these basics on hand:

• Dinosaurs. Most kids love them, says Dr Zilibowitz, and their prehistoric nature seems to embody the aggression that children feel.
• A little doll family.
• Building blocks.
• A telephone.
• A bus, a car, an aeroplane, a train or any other modes of transport.

Photography: Sam McAdam. Contact Carolyn Parfitt by emailing cparfitt@bigpond.net.au.