Growing pains

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This month, a reader confesses that she dislikes two of her children. Psychotherapist Carolyn Parfitt has some suggestions for ways to improve this sensitive situation.

“I’m worried because I often feel hatred towards two of my four kids; sometimes I can’t even stand to hear their voices. One is my second child. I left her father, my ex-husband,
because he was abusive. She is the one I argue with the most. Sometimes I say awful things to her and then wish I hadn’t. I’ve had two children with my current husband, the second one after two miscarriages, and I don’t like him either. He has always been a difficult baby and some days I wonder why he didn’t die instead of the ones I lost. With both of these children, I suffered postnatal depression. Is that why they annoy me? Sometimes I hate myself for not being able to love all my children unconditionally.”
Rebecca, Shepparton, VIC

- I want to balance my response between encouraging you to give yourself a break (most people ‘hate’ or ‘can’t stand’ their children at least now and then) and urging you to seek help in improving your relationship with these two children, for your sake and theirs. Hating your children is not good for either your self-esteem or theirs, so it’s encouraging to hear from you because it means you’re questioning what’s going on.

A good first step

Congratulations for your honesty. It takes a certain courage to admit to something that carries such a stigma in our society. While many, if not most, women have searing moments of ambivalence towards their children, it’s not something that many openly acknowledge, particularly with regard to babies. We feel we should live up to a sentimentalised image of a woman who bonds instantly with her newborn, is filled with joy at the sight of him or her, and to whom mothering comes naturally. Many women who have experienced a flash of an urge to throw a crying baby out the window, or pinch a chubby pink arm in a moment of high frustration will be relieved by your letter to know they are not alone.

Postnatal depression?

A difficult birth and postnatal depression can kick-start a negative way of relating to your baby that becomes a habit, unless you get help. It’s well known that depressed mothers do not interact with their babies as much as would be desirable for the baby’s optimum development. Being talked to, touched, smiled at and cuddled are all important to a child’s physical and intellectual growth, so if the mother can’t do these things, it’s vital that another loving relative steps in to help until she can.

According to Professor Anne Buist, director of women’s mental health at Austin Health and Northpark Private Hospital, University of Melbourne, some postnatal depression sufferers tend to label their babies as ‘difficult’ early on, even when they don’t have other children with which to compare them, and this can start a negative pattern of interaction. To answer your question though, Professor Buist says postnatal depression doesn’t generally determine whether a mother likes her child or not. Most affected women are loving mothers going through a difficult time. Regarding your baby, it seems very likely that you have some unresolved grief regarding your two miscarriages; some counselling about that could help to improve how you feel about him.   

So what’s going on?

I’m wondering if the two children you find most irritating remind you of anyone. Are they like anyone else in your family – for example, your mother, your sister, their father or even yourself?

From our correspondence I know you have a difficult relationship with your mother and feel she favoured your younger sister. This is complex stuff, I know, but it is possible something about these children triggers negative feelings from your own childhood that you now act out with them.

Is there something in the way you interact with them that echoes the way your mother was with you? You say she criticised you often and you have never felt “good enough” for her. As much as we try to be different from our mothers, inevitably we take on some of their ways, both good and not so good. Being aware of those aspects of ourselves is the first step in breaking free of the not so good.

Oh baby

One of the reasons why emotions run high in adjusting to life with a baby is that having a baby can unlock unconscious fears from your early childhood. What a huge life change it is. Suddenly, as well as having a newborn to look after, you find yourself confused by sometimes overwhelming emotions you can’t quite pin down. When you consider that they might be powerful feelings from the time before you acquired language, and so were entirely felt in the body, it’s understandable that it’s hard to name them now. You’ve probably sensed with your own children that babies can be very sensitive to their surroundings and the moods of those around them. So anxious mothers often have anxious babies. If you’re reacting to your children from feelings that lurk at this deep level, it can feel irrational and from out of nowhere.

Unfulfilled expectations

One of the greatest sources of upset for people occurs when they eagerly anticipate an event that then doesn’t turn out the way they wanted. People who are less flexible in their outlook and don’t like change will feel this the most. I’m wondering what your expectations were with regard to having children, and how these were different from one child to the next. Having been disappointed with regard to your mother not returning your love in the way you needed, did you hope your children would make up for this? If so, you might have set yourself up to feel easily rejected by their actions. What do you think? 

The perfect mother

Even more than wanting to be the perfect mother, many of us wish we had one. We have an idea of what that means, which comes from our reading and images that we see all around us, and we keep this in the back of our minds and compare ourselves to it. It’s an ideal that has always been impossible to attain, and it seems to have become harder over time. Now the ideal is that motherhood ‘comes naturally’ to this perfect woman, who always loves all of her children unconditionally, as you imply. She also cooks nutritious, well-balanced meals (from scratch), assists with homework, keeps fit, is constantly cheerful, involved with the school and holds down a fulfilling job. She’s a paragon of virtue, and we haven’t even mentioned her birthday party skills. It’s against this imaginary standard that we measure our own performance as mothers. Who isn’t going to feel like a failure from time to time, particularly if we hear ourselves saying hurtful things occasionally?

Your partner’s support

You haven’t said anything about your husband’s role in all this, but he could be very helpful. If he understands the difficulties you face in the day-to-day caring for your children, and can empathise with your frustration and annoyance, it will help you to accept those feelings yourself. Fighting them will only give them more power and make them harder to leave behind.

Why seek help?

I know from our correspondence and from your desire to seek answers that underneath your negative feelings you do love your children, even if sometimes it’s hard to access that love. I also believe you wouldn’t hurt them physically. You have a huge impact on them emotionally, as all parents do and as your own parents had on you, and it’s difficult to unlock destructive patterns on your own. These patterns get handed down in families, having been reinforced over generations. (What was your mother’s relationship with her own mother like, for instance?)

Professional counselling could be very beneficial in your case. How you regard your children will affect their self-esteem, future relationships and how they go about being in the world. It wouldn’t be helpful to blame yourself for everything that happens to them – after all, ups and downs are an unavoidable part of life for everyone – but it is important to think about your responsibility to them and take action to overcome old patterns that might be hindering your relationships now.

It is never too late to redress some of the mistakes we all make as parents. No-one is perfect – rather, we’re all perfectly imperfect – but we can live with ourselves if we try our best.

Photography: Sam McAdam.