Give & take

Gift giving has become an undesirable element of Christmas for one reader – psychotherapist Carolyn Parfitt suggests ways to solve this increasingly common dilemma.

“Every year my family has problems with Christmas gifts and it takes any pleasure out of the occasion. How can I change this without giving up on it entirely? We don’t see each other much during the year, but we get together at Christmas to share a meal and exchange gifts. It feels false, and my sister-in-law never seems happy with any gifts anyone gives her. Also, Mum has announced she’s not buying for anyone over 18 because ‘it all gets to be too much’. She wants all the adults to do the same, but my sister, brother and I still want to buy for each other and our parents.”  Charmaine, Millers Point, NSW

Family get-togethers can be such fun, can’t they? It’s amazing how much goodwill seems to fly out the window, at Christmas in particular. Many people experience family squabbles, whether it’s about gifts, who to spend Christmas with or where to have dinner. You’re right – it’s time things changed. Your parents aren’t getting any younger, and neither are you.

Ever noticed how adult siblings and parents revert to early patterns when they gather as a group? Old rivalries reassert themselves, annoyances resurface and it’s easy to feel like you’re 12 years old again. It can be a challenge to maintain your sense of your adult self in the midst of your family of origin. Next time you’re all together, pay attention to how much you react to them, rebelling or complying, rather than being how you are when you’re with your friends.

 

What’s going on?

The issue of gift giving is a loaded one:  people naturally attach meaning to gifts, and most of us carry memories of childhood disappointments and anti-climactic Christmas mornings. A powerful cause of upset is unfulfilled expectations. With all the lead-up children get about Christmas – parties, stories of magical reindeer, visits to Santa – it’s no wonder the reality can be a let-down. Ghosts of this can lurk, even when we’re adults.

 

Inside the wrapping

Is it just a gift, or a sign that you know and understand the person? For some – particularly those who are a little insecure about their relationships or place in the family – your gift will be taken as saying something about how you regard them. If people feel vulnerable, gifts have the power to hurt or to lift them up. Like the woman whose husband buys her chocolates when she’s trying to lose weight, or the friend who gives you clothing that just isn’t you, they may feel upset that you don’t know them better.

 

Emotionally charged

While Christmas can mean happy things – holidays, parties, festive food – it’s also a time when absences are sorely felt. The first Christmas without a loved one who’s died can be difficult, particularly if you’ve always spent it together. If you lost someone at or close to a previous Christmas, or some other traumatic event occurred, the coincidence of the anniversary gives it an extra poignancy.

Your sister-in-law

It sounds like your sister-in-law might be someone for whom Christmas, and especially the question of gifts, is particularly emotional. Unless you feel you can open up the issue and gently ask her about her early experiences of receiving gifts, you’ll probably never get to the bottom of it. You would certainly need to choose your moment and approach the topic with kindness and compassion if this is the way you decide to go. These kinds of conversation can be very worthwhile: handled well, they can lead to a greater intimacy and closeness. Alternatively, why not just ask her for a short-list of gifts she’d like? Maybe she’ll ask for a list from you, too.

 

Don’t fake it

Even if you identify yourself as Christian, are you really celebrating Jesus’s birth at Christmas? If so, fine; if not, what are you doing? If yours is one of the many families in which religion takes a back seat but you celebrate Christmas anyway, find your own way to inject meaning into this annual ritual. One family I know decided to treat it like Thanksgiving. At every Christmas dinner, between the main course and dessert, they take it in turns to acknowledge the things they’ve been thankful for in the past year. As ‘things’ usually include each other, it’s become a way of expressing their love and gratitude in a comfortable way. Could you, too, create a new family custom to add depth to the gift-fest?

 

It’s only love

Underneath all the tension about who gives what to whom, most people really just want to be acknowledged and accepted for who they are, and to know they’re loved. How generously can you give your love this Christmas?

 

Why not donate to a charity instead of buying gifts for one another?

A few options are:

• Barnados: www.barnados.org.au.
• The Australian Red Cross: 1800 811 700; www.redcross.org.au.
• The National Heart Foundation: 1300 362 787; www.heartfoundation.com.au.

 

Words: Carolyn Parfitt. Photography: Ben Dearnley. Styling: Amber Keller.