One day at a time

Losing your partner in any circumstances is terrible, but when he has taken his own life the grief is unimaginable. Carolyn Parfitt discusses this painful subject.

“I lost my husband to suicide early last year. The youngest of my three children was nine at the time. I had only been in Australia for two years and had yet to make any close friends, apart from my neighbours, who were my lifeline after Sam’s death.

I’ve been left penniless and, as I’m not an Australian citizen, do not qualify for Centrelink payments. I have no family I can turn to and have since been to hell and back. I became suicidal myself; I ended up in hospital and my children were placed in temporary foster care. I’ve had to work really hard to keep my equilibrium, and my youngest son has suffered sleepless nights. The hardest thing is my husband did not suffer from mental illness, drug abuse or anything. I’d sell my soul just to talk to someone who honestly understands how hard the isolation is. I am a cancer survivor and it’s easy to find a support group for that. We also lost a daughter and I always had the support of other bereaved parents, but there’s nothing for people whose lives are affected by suicide. I’m thinking of starting a group myself. I’ve gone from being happily married to a widow who doesn’t know how she’s going to feed her children.”
- Marianne, Gold Coast, Qld

It seems so unfair one person should have to endure so much. I can only try to imagine how shocking and confusing it must be to have your picture of life change dramatically overnight. I’m so sorry for your loss, Marianne, and I’m full of admiration for the way in which you have pushed on in the face of it. You sound like a person with much to offer – if you do start that support group, some good will come of this awful tragedy.

You’re not alone
In Australia, suicide now takes more lives than road accidents. Each year, hundreds of spouses, siblings, parents, friends, grandparents and children experience the pain of a suicide. Work colleagues, police and ambulance officers and others who may not have even known the victim are also affected.

The most recent figures available show that in 2004, 2,098 people took their own lives in Australia and nearly 80 per cent of them were males. The number of people killed on the roads that year was 1,598 – and it’s possible that some of those were actually suicides, too. Fortunately, the suicide rate is declining.

Why didn’t I know?
Suicide has the potential to leave its ‘survivors’ – those bereaved by suicide – with an enormous amount of emotional and psychological baggage. In addition to the sadness and grief that follows the loss of any loved one, suicide survivors experience relentless self-questioning, which can be agonising. The person who died has taken their explanations with them, leaving a gulf of understanding between us and them.

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