Together forever

What makes a marriage last? Psychotherapist Carolyn Parfitt offers some thoughtful tips to a reader who is planning to get married.

It’s so exciting to receive a letter like this. Just being aware that it might pay to think ahead about what makes marriage work is a great step towards success. You also sound generous, responsible and giving, which are all encouraging signs. If only more people would ask questions about how to improve their communication skills and understand each other better, perhaps the divorce rate wouldn’t be as high as it is. So, congratulations, Justine, for inquiring, and all the best for a wonderful, fulfilling marriage.

Something to think about
Plenty of information exists in our libraries, bookshops and on the internet about how to speak for yourself effectively, how to be responsible rather than blaming others, how to understand the ways in which men and women communicate differently, and so on. What isn’t as often discussed is the huge influence of your family of origin in the success or otherwise of your marriage. And by that I don’t mean what they do now – approving or disapproving, being helpful or interfering – although those things will have their impact, too. What I’m talking about is how growing up in that family will influence what happens when you start to create your own. After all, that’s where we first learn about relationships and all that comes with them – conflict, caring, betrayal, loyalty, friendship, abandonment, nurturing and so on. It’s also where we form our values.

Crossing cultures

Whether or not you’re both Australian, you still come from two different cultures, and it is important to understand this when embarking on a marriage. Each family has its own ‘culture’ or way of doing things, its own set of rules for living. Consequently, ‘cultural’ differences will arise between you and your partner, and you will have to find a way to deal with them.

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