In search of happiness

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We’ve reaped the rewards of women’s lib, but are we any happier? For centuries women and men have sought the answer to what makes women happy. Do we get happiness from having our own way, or by gratifying a deeply felt longing?

Does it come through the attainment of riches, or through engaging in frivolous activity without guilt? Perhaps it lives in having bountiful energy that matches our children’s verve, or can we get it from simply having a good night’s sleep? Surely being hotly pursued by the lover we have, or desire, will do it? An afternoon spent in conversation with our girlfriends may bring it on, or perhaps even the simplest action of putting one foot in front of the other is enough?

What gives us enduring happiness? I have been reading Susan Maushart’s What Women Want Next (The Text Publishing Company, 2005) to gain some insights. Her book is a witty, in-depth look at feminine fulfilment in a post-feminist world. Combining her own rich life experience with the findings of a number of studies into wellbeing, Susan postulates several intriguing notions.

Susan examines the varied aspects of life that contribute to our sense of wellbeing. “A satisfying, committed relationship is one of the most important pieces of the wellbeing puzzle,” she writes, “albeit one of the trickiest ones to fit into place.” She can say that again! Money and possessions do make us happy, to some degree. Money enables choice, and choice is definitely linked to our sense of wellbeing. Autonomy, Susan says, could be the biggest contributor to what makes a woman happy.

Another essential ingredient is having a clearly defined role and performing rewarding work. Self-esteem is a by-product of competence and having our well-executed efforts recognised. Other components are simple pleasures such as sharing and eating food, getting enough sleep (as any mother or shiftworker will surely relate), and relationships that give us a sense of belonging.

Wants and needs
Sociologist Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) put forward the ‘hierarchy of needs’ theory for what motivates all human beings. He proposed that all humans have the same needs and that one set of needs must be met before we are ready to seek to attain the next. Our most basic needs are those necessary for survival – food, shelter, oxygen and water. These are required before we can progress in search of safe environments, then love and belonging, and then finally the need for self-esteem and self-actualisation (the desire to fulfil our potential).

Understandably, in our society the degree of happiness is measurably lower for those living below subsistence levels – that is, those people who are unable to move beyond Maslow’s first level.

Material possessions may give us a momentary sense of elation and pride but, eventually, they become only more stuff to store. Perhaps the idea of longing for some unattained object provides more fulfilment than the attainment of the thing itself. The thought of a bowl of ice-cream on a hot day is delightful. Eating ice-cream is delectable for the first few spoonfuls and then it is just ice-cream.

The poverty of riches
Our concept of happiness tends to be tied to aspects of wealth and health. The idea that a lottery win will wash away all our cares still persists, despite the evidence against it.

Researchers call the gap between what we predict we’ll feel in response to a set of changes and what we actually do feel, ‘impact bias’. This applies to both good fortune and bad. For example, most of us would expect to feel ecstatic after winning a fortune and to be inconsolable if we were to be rendered a paraplegic.

Studies have shown, however, that people who received a large windfall felt euphoria initially but ended up being no happier than they were before, while those who sustained paraplegia amazingly reported more positive than negative emotions a mere eight weeks after the event. Within a few years, people with paraplegia are reportedly only slightly less content than the average non-disabled person.

Too many choices?
Although women now have a plethora of choices in what they decide to do with their lives, happiness seems to be increasingly elusive. Susan Maushart writes: “Uncertainty in our lives is the dark side of the open options policy that feminism has fought so hard and so well to implement.”

Today, we have so many choices to make that choice itself has become part of our problem. There was once a time when a woman knew what was expected of her. An article in Housekeeping Monthly on 13 May 1955 offered a guide for how to be a ‘good wife’ when your husband returns home from work. It reads: “Don’t complain if he’s late home or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

“Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part... Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

“Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. A good wife always knows her place.” Though most of us are not rushing to get back to this model, more choice has introduced more confusion as women try to work out new boundaries that will work in all of their relationships.

In the now
Recently, I’ve been taking note of and examining the moments when I’m aware of my own happiness. I can see that happiness is mostly a momentary feeling, one that I give my attention to fleetingly. I find that simply being in the moment is where happiness lives in me and, paradoxically, it’s when I’m both present and have my attention outside myself that I am most aware of it. When I’m present, I’m available, and when I’m available I see with altered perception, as if through another pair of eyes.

In these moments, I’m in awe of nature and its splendour and power. I’m also very aware that I feel happiest when I focus outside myself, and for a moment, it’s not ‘all about me’. (It’s usually only a moment!) When I do turn my attention to the needs and wishes of others, I have a fantastic sense of purpose and peace. I can thoroughly recommend this simple activity for both becoming present and focusing externally. I walk for between 20 to 90 minutes a day. The purpose of this walking is not to get fit, though that has been a welcome by-product. The purpose is to notice the world I live in and to provide me with the space I need to enquire into and develop my creativity.

I’ve been following Julia Cameron’s fantastic book, The Vein of Gold (Penguin Putnam 1997). Julia suggests walking for a minimum of 20 minutes a day, pondering a series of wishes while you walk. In walking my wishes I’ve been amazed by how many brilliant ideas have come to me and I marvel that so far seven of my 20 wishes have been fulfilled. I’ve been doing this for five months now and I’m very aware of an increased sense of wellbeing and productivity as a result of this simple daily activity.

Words: Holly Davis