Growing up fast

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The impulsiveness of youth is a common source of parental angst. Carolyn Parfitt offers guidance to a couple who are concerned about their son’s eagerness to take on the serious commitment of marriage and family all too soon.
“We have been cool parents ­– open about our early experiments with drugs and sex. We would be happy for our son to have his girlfriend stay overnight with him, or even move in if that’s what he wants. Unfortunately, he has just told us he wants to get married and start a family. We are totally shocked. He’s only 20 and this is his first girlfriend! I can’t hide my feelings here; I deeply disapprove. He is our only child and I hoped he would stay at home for a few more years. His mother and I were in our thirties when we married, and we had lived together first. But he is not interested in that approach because he wants to make being married more ‘special’. Although he has a responsible, well-paid job, we want him to see the world and have a life before he settles down. What can we do?”- Danny, Lorne, Victoria

You poor things. I think I’d feel exactly the same as you do if my daughter wanted to get married so young. This is very delicate and tricky territory, calling for a lot of respect and compassion and some very adept parenting indeed.
What’s happening
Although regarded as an adult by society, your 20-year-old son is really still on the outside edge of adolescence, with a way to go before full maturity. For some years, his important developmental tasks have revolved around the question, ‘Who am I?’ In working out what his own ideas, beliefs and values are, he has been creating an identity that is necessarily separate and different from yours. He has also been moving towards being able to share intimacy in his personal relationships outside the family. This process is often confronting for parents because it can feel as though all your effort, values and nurturing are being rejected. The intensity of it can be gut-wrenching.
Keep in mind that some form of rebellion is natural at this stage in your son’s life; in fact, it’s healthy. It doesn’t mean your child no longer respects and loves you. Being able to stand up to parents – a person’s first authority figures – is good practice for standing up for yourself in the world in general. When handled well, it will protect your son and give him confidence. Being on the receiving end of it is hard, requiring you to be as loving and generous as only parents can.
While reading your letter, it occurred to me that marriage, and being ‘square’, could be your son’s way of rebelling against parents who don’t present all that much to rebel against. What do you think? It might be over-simplifying things, but it’s an interesting thought.
Radically conservative
Your son’s desire to get married puts him at odds with modern trends, which doesn’t mean it’s wrong, just increasingly unusual. These days, most people live together before marrying (76 per cent, according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics). The median age for first marriages has been creeping up ever since the 1970s when both men and women tended to marry in their early twenties. Now it’s more like 31 years of age for men and 29 for women (2006 figures).
What can you do?
In Australia, people can get married without their parents’ consent once they have turned 18, so the law is on your son’s side, unless his girlfriend is under 18. If she is between 16 and 18 she will need her parents’ consent in order to marry. It would probably be a good idea to find out how her parents feel about them getting married. You might find some allies there who can help to put the brakes on. Whatever you do, you will need to handle this situation diplomatically, compassionately, and with respect – which is what adolescents really want from their parents. In the end, the decision will be the young couple’s. 
Stepping back
In many situations with an almost-grown-up child, a parent’s best strategy is to stay calm, bite your tongue, and treat him or her like an adult. The good parenting skills you learned with a younger child are still relevant – such as active listening and maintaining your own boundaries, as well as offering support that matches your son’s needs, not yours. So while it is best to be genuine and express your misgivings – that is, tell him you have difficulty with the idea of him marrying so young – he will also need to feel you trust him to make the best decision. Try to leave the door open for him to change his mind of his own accord rather than be forced to hold on stubbornly just to make a point. Maybe he will; maybe he won’t. Your job now is to be on the sidelines with steady support while letting go enough to allow him to find his own path. And yes, it’s not easy.
Hopes and dreams
What did you have in mind for your son? You say you want him to “see the world and have a life”. Of course you do, but that is mostly about you and your view of what’s important in life. Can you recognise and encourage what he wants? Talking to him about his desires for his own life might be helpful. Accepting what he has to say and getting to know him better might bring you closer, too. Consider what message you will be giving him if you seem disappointed with his choices. How is he meant to feel good about himself if his parents think he should be different from how he actually is?
Examining your reaction
In order to deal with this emotional situation as clearly as possible, it will be useful for you and your wife to take a look at what’s behind your disapproval of your son’s intention to marry.
You’ve now arrived at that confronting middle-stage of life when you realise, ‘This is it; this is how things turned out,’ and sometimes that’s hard. Are you agonising over any of your own ‘wrong’ decisions? Is it possible your own disappointments and lost dreams could be influencing how you are reacting to your son now? I’m not saying this is the case, just that it’s worth some reflection. It’s also worth examining how you feel about this particular girlfriend and the possibility of having to embrace her as an additional member of your family.
Shifting the focus
Once you reach mid-life and your children have left the nest, the state of your marriage really shows up. Is it time to give yours some more focus and energy, some romance perhaps?
Given that your son wants to get married, it’s reasonable to assume your marriage probably looks good to him. Well done. It has obviously survived the distance so far, but how do you feel about it being just the two of you again, like it was in the beginning? After 20 years of child-raising and being a family, the adjustment to becoming a twosome again usually needs some work, and it’s worth it. It will enrich your life. Plus, showing your son an example of a relationship that works, one that is vibrant and fun, is one of the best gifts you can offer him.
The best way forward
For me, and maybe for you too, the worst outcome of this current situation would be for your son and his girlfriend to marry, have a baby, and then split up. This would mean they would be sad, tied down financially and have to manage the difficult logistics of their child’s upbringing separately instead of together. It’s a hard route, which no parent wants for their child. But it hasn’t happened yet and it might not ever.When you talk to your son, ‘man to man’, could you discuss the subject of relationships with him - what makes a good one, and how they are central to the happiness and success of our lives? Perhaps not all at once, but over a number of discussions. Many books are available to help you with this; see ‘Helpful books’*.
Could you gently ask him what he thinks about waiting a few years before taking on the huge commitment of marriage and children in order to have fun and create a home with his partner? Share some of your own experience with him and how, while you love being a dad, you’re also glad for the years you and his mother had on your own together. If beginning in this way helped you to work through all the challenges that came along once you became a family, perhaps that is something you could tell him, too. Of course, this is all easier said than done, but love will usually see you through. I wish you both all the very best.

* Helpful books

• Surviving Adolescents: The Must Have Manual For All Parents by Michael Carr-Gregg (Penguin, 2005)
• Raising Boys: Why Boys are Different – and How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men by Steve Biddulph (Thorsons, 2003)
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver (Orion Publishing, 2001)