Culture shock

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Psychotherapist Carolyn Parfitt offers suggestions for a reader who wants to help her Japanese husband adjust to a new life in Australia.

“I met my lovely Japanese husband five years ago when he was on a holiday in Australia. I eventually went to live in Japan and we married there, agreeing we’d then settle in Australia. He loved Australia before and we knew we would be able to afford a much better lifestyle here than in Japan. Now, he doesn’t seem to like it as much. He is often short-tempered and has started criticising all kinds of things about Australia, from the architecture to the way people do their work. Sometimes I think he’s depressed, which makes me worry. He has a reasonable job, although it’s not as senior as the job he had in Tokyo. His English is okay, but he still gets very frustrated with the way Australians speak. I’m worried he’ll want to return to live in Japan. What can I do to help him?” Emma, Melbourne, VIC

Leaving all that is familiar in your own culture to try to take on a new one can mean an enormous upheaval, as many Australians from Greece, Italy, Vietnam, Lebanon, England and other parts of the world know. When the cultures are as different as Japanese and Australian, the difficulties can be even more pronounced. Culture shock is a common experience for people who move from one culture to another, and it’s likely the cause of what your husband is going through now.

Common symptoms

As well as feeling sad, frustrated and sometimes angry after moving to a completely different environment, some people develop physical symptoms such as aches and pains and difficulty sleeping. Many people, such as your husband, find themselves in jobs with less status than they previously had, and this can rattle their sense of identity and importance. Misunderstandings can cause them to feel insecure, isolated and incompetent. Add all of this together and it’s no wonder the urge to run back to where they felt confident and in control can be very strong.

Who succeeds?

According to cross-cultural psychologist, Jasmine Sliger, the people most able to deal with life in a new culture are those who are flexible and adaptable, with a high level of tolerance and good social skills. They are introspective without over-analysing themselves, and are open and interested in other cultures. People who are drawn to intercultural marriages often display these qualities, as perhaps your husband does, so the chances of them lasting the distance are good. Give it time. Jasmine says it takes 18 months to two years for a person to acculturate, that is, to adapt to another culture.

Idealising home

After the initial, exciting phase of changing countries wears off and the realities of daily life set in, newcomers often start to criticise the new culture and idealise the old (so your husband’s behaviour in this respect is to be expected). A host of ‘little’ things – such as not understanding jokes, getting lost, having difficulty making themselves understood – will start to wear them down until strong feelings of dissatisfaction arise. Suddenly, home seems better in every way. This stance is most often a defence mechanism that helps the person through a difficult time. As he develops a greater understanding of his new culture, this phase will pass and his complaints will generally recede.

Ways to happiness

Your question, ‘What can I do to help him?’ shows where you stand – that is, on his side, which is the most helpful place to be. You’ll probably be pleased to know there’s a range of practical measures you can take to help. The first, which almost goes without saying but must be said, is to ensure your husband takes care of his health by eating well, exercising regularly and getting an adequate amount of sleep. Be aware that too much alcohol can contribute to depression and too much caffeine can increase anxiety.

Apart from that, he could benefit enormously from having contact with the Japanese community in Melbourne, so try to foster friendships there as well as with your fellow Australians. It can be a huge comfort to foreigners to be able to speak and hear their mother tongue; it is like taking a mini holiday and feeling soothed. At the same time, language is a key to understanding and being understood, and therefore to happiness in a new country. Your husband will benefit from continuing to improve his English language skills, with a special focus on the Australian idiom. This will happen just in the course of living and working here, but a host of books are available that can help him to speed it along (see Helpful books, below right).

Acknowledge his feelings

Talk to your husband about what he misses about Japan and acknowledge that it is sad to leave friends and family behind. Without trying to change him, just hear him out, keeping in mind that he might find it hard to talk about his feelings (just as Australian men do). Although there’s much to be gained in a new culture, he has lost a lot too – the proximity of people he knows and all the familiar nuances of his rich and complex culture. Thankfully, digital technology and the internet can make keeping in touch easy and immediate, so make the best use of it you can.

Are there aspects of Japanese culture that are significant to your husband and can somehow be incorporated into your lives here? For instance, if he misses certain ceremonies or celebrations at particular times of the year, can you find a way to honour them here? Perhaps it’s a way of celebrating birthdays, or it might be a matter of learning how to prepare a particular food and inviting Japanese friends around to share the occasion. Such gestures can help to nurture his soul, even if in a small way, and enrich your life at the same time.

What is culture?

A society’s culture is comprised of its beliefs and values, history, traditions and customs. It’s the collective answer to the question of ‘Who are we?’. It resides in the unconscious of individuals and is constantly reinforced by their society. Cultural differences between partners have huge potential for creating trouble in their relationship. What is considered funny, sad, sexy, beautiful, tasteful, polite or rude will differ from culture to culture, creating unlimited opportunities for offence and conflict.

Some of the features of Japanese culture that are often highlighted as being different to Western culture are its group orientation, as opposed to a focus on individual achievement; its time-centredness and focus on efficiency; its reverence of the elderly; and its indirect manner of communication. All of these things, if they’re not understood, can create conflict with a person whose culture operates from an opposing set of values.

Relationship benefits

While cultural differences can cause problems, they can be a source of fascination and richness, too. Learning about the history and ways of each other’s culture will deepen your mutual understanding and, as a special bonus, your love. What can be more endearing than a partner’s profound interest in where you come from and what makes you tick? Just remember you are individuals first and products of a particular culture second.

The big issue

The question of where to live – which country to choose – is often the most difficult one that cross-cultural couples face. It usually is at its most pressing when the subject of children arises (although for some it will be triggered by other considerations). Understandably, when put to the test, many people find it hard to accept the idea of raising their children in a foreign culture, even if it is the culture of their beloved spouse. Their strong unconscious values and underlying ideas of how life should be lived rise to the surface at this point and negotiations must begin. Inevitably, compromises will have to be made and sometimes couples will need to seek professional help to get through this time intact.

Returning home

Many people who have settled in a new country find returning to their country of origin for the first time a little disconcerting, so it’s worth keeping this in mind. This can be the result of a mixture of having assimilated to their new culture so well that they miss some of its customs upon returning home, and the fact that things at home have changed. If you and your husband stay in Australia long enough for him to miss aspects of it when you return to Japan, that may be a measure of your success in adjusting to life here. When you can both see that each culture has its good and its not-so-good qualities, its fairness and its injustices, its kindness and its prejudices, then you will have learned something useful about the world that isn’t available to everyone. All the best to both of you.

Helpful books

Books for him

• Culture Shock! Australia by Ilsa Sharp (Times Books International, 1995)
• Who We Are: A Miscellany of the New Australia by David Dale (Allen & Unwin, 2006)
• Australian Phrasebook: Understanding Aussies and Their Culture by Sue Butler (Lonely Planet, 1998)

Books for you

• The Japanese Mind: Understanding Contemporary Japanese Culture by Roger J. Davies & Osamu Ikeno (Tuttle Publishing, 2002)
• Japanese Sense of Self edited by Nancy R. Rosenberger (Cambridge University Press, 1994)
• Shunju: New Japanese Cuisine by Takashi Sugimoto & Marcia Iwatate (Periplus Editions, 2006)

Photography: Sam McAdam.