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Examining your reaction

In order to deal with this emotional situation as clearly as possible, it will be useful for you and your wife to take a look at what’s behind your disapproval of your son’s intention to marry.

You’ve now arrived at that confronting middle-stage of life when you realise, ‘This is it; this is how things turned out,’ and sometimes that’s hard. Are you agonising over any of your own ‘wrong’ decisions? Is it possible your own disappointments and lost dreams could be influencing how you are reacting to your son now? I’m not saying this is the case, just that it’s worth some reflection. It’s also worth examining how you feel about this particular girlfriend and the possibility of having to embrace her as an additional member of your family.

Shifting the focus

Once you reach mid-life and your children have left the nest, the state of your marriage really shows up. Is it time to give yours some more focus and energy, some romance perhaps?

Given that your son wants to get married, it’s reasonable to assume your marriage probably looks good to him. Well done. It has obviously survived the distance so far, but how do you feel about it being just the two of you again, like it was in the beginning? After 20 years of child-raising and being a family, the adjustment to becoming a twosome again usually needs some work, and it’s worth it. It will enrich your life. Plus, showing your son an example of a relationship that works, one that is vibrant and fun, is one of the best gifts you can offer him.

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The best way forward

For me, and maybe for you too, the worst outcome of this current situation would be for your son and his girlfriend to marry, have a baby, and then split up. This would mean they would be sad, tied down financially and have to manage the difficult logistics of their child’s upbringing separately instead of together. It’s a hard route, which no parent wants for their child. But it hasn’t happened yet and it might not ever.When you talk to your son, ‘man to man’, could you discuss the subject of relationships with him - what makes a good one, and how they are central to the happiness and success of our lives? Perhaps not all at once, but over a number of discussions. Many books are available to help you with this; see ‘Helpful books’*.

Could you gently ask him what he thinks about waiting a few years before taking on the huge commitment of marriage and children in order to have fun and create a home with his partner? Share some of your own experience with him and how, while you love being a dad, you’re also glad for the years you and his mother had on your own together. If beginning in this way helped you to work through all the challenges that came along once you became a family, perhaps that is something you could tell him, too. Of course, this is all easier said than done, but love will usually see you through. I wish you both all the very best.

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