How to cope with school yard bullying

A mother worried about her young son, who is a victim of schoolyard bullying, writes to Notebook: for advice. Psychotherapist Carolyn Parfitt suggests that help can start at home with the parents, and with support from a school counsellor.

“I need advice to help my six-year-old son, who has been the subject of bullying at school. It came to my attention when another parent told me she had noticed something in class. I had also noticed he didn’t want to be involved in activities anymore and he started playing up.

It was essentially one boy doing the bullying and my son wasn’t the only victim, but the one who reacted in the most satisfying way as far as the bully was concerned. While the bullying seems to have stopped now due to the school’s intervention, I am worried about how to talk to my son about it. I don’t want to say the wrong thing and make it worse for him, and I’m concerned about how he has changed as a result of it.

He has become quite indifferent to school and is sometimes reluctant to go; he also seems to have trouble concentrating on schoolwork. I remember how it felt to be bullied at school for being different – I was bright and interested in unusual things – and I’m not clear how to separate my feelings from his.” Virginia, Gladesville, NSW

Virginia, Gladesville, NSW

Ouch. Doesn’t it break your heart when your child’s feelings are hurt like this? It can seem that all the effort you’ve put into helping him feel good about himself since he was born has been undone overnight by another child’s actions. Sadly, bullying is a common part of school life for many children worldwide and its damaging effects can last a lifetime, both for the victim and for the bully. In recognition of this and its potential impact on the wider community, Australian schools have implemented anti-bullying policies during the past decade to involve principals, teachers, students and parents in overcoming the problem as a united force.

What is bullying?
In a nutshell, it’s when one person has power over another due to their size, strength or status and repeatedly uses that power to threaten or harm the less assertive person either physically, verbally, by deliberately excluding them, by writing nasty notes or by spreading malicious rumours, for example. Bullying is the fourth most common reason young people in Australia seek help from the Kids Help Line, and the third most common reason for children under 15.

Impact on the victim
It’s not hard to imagine that a child who is being bullied every day is living with constant stress from being on his guard, never knowing when the bullying will occur, and finding ways to avoid it. This can lead to anxiety, depression, illness and – as you have found, Virginia – a reluctance to participate in school activities as well as behavioural problems.

As with any type of abuse, victims of bullying can also often feel shame, blaming themselves in some way for what has happened. While victims do occasionally provoke the bullying, this is the exception rather than the rule. Parents and teachers need to ask about the details sensitively so they’re not conveying a suggestion that the victim caused the problem.

At the very extreme end of the spectrum, bullying can lead to suicide. Another sad outcome is that victims sometimes become bullies themselves, turning to violence in retaliation. An alarming finding of one Australian study was that boys who had been the victims of bullying at school were more inclined than others to think that domestic abuse was okay (Rigby, Whisk and Black, 1994). I’m not suggesting this will happen to your son, but it can’t hurt to be aware of this possibility because it’s the one that parents often least expect. It gives a new perspective to the idea of enrolling affected children in self-defence classes. Obviously the more the child’s environment discourages any form of violence, including refusing to watch it on television, the better.

It’s also important that bullying between family members is not tolerated, and parents demonstrate healthy ways of resolving conflict. Most parents will have plenty of opportunities to do this. When you and your partner have differences, let your children see you resolve them rather than running off and slamming doors, for instance.

What can you do?
Your question about what you can do for your son now that the bullying has ceased is an important one. He is a lucky boy to have such a sensitive and intelligent mother. It’s important for children who are having difficulties with their peers to have a parent (or two) who is willing to stand up for them. Even if you never have to do it, it’s important that your son knows you would take action on his behalf if he wanted you to, so it’s worth making the offer if an occasion arises. (Of course, you will have to follow through if he says yes.)

Giving your son positive reinforcement to help boost his self-esteem can also be helpful, but only when you can be genuine about it. Children can spot empty praise in an instant. Praise doesn’t have to be for major achievements like coming first in class – it can be for simple things, for instance, ‘Thank you for helping me today’, ‘I liked the way you stood up for yourself then’, or ‘Well said’. If problems continue, seek help for your son from the school counsellor or a professional counsellor outside the school.

Teach assertive communication
Another way to assist your son is to teach him to communicate assertively rather than aggressively. You can do this by example as well as by talking to him about the difference between these two styles. The advantage in using assertive communication is that it’s a much more effective way to get your message across and much more pleasant for the receiver – so everyone wins.

Assertive communication means speaking for yourself confidently, using eye contact and sentences that begin with ‘I’, and conveying your message clearly (for example, ‘I feel really hurt when you don’t ask me for help’). Aggressive communication, on the other hand, can contain a lot of blaming, the use of the word ‘you’ (‘Look what you made me do’) and criticism (‘You always leave me out’). It can also be passive and non-verbal, consisting of actions rather than words – for example, purposely ‘forgetting’ to tell your partner you will be home late (because you’re angry that he forgot to tell you something important).

Judy Harrison, the principal of Speers Point Public School, a NSW school acclaimed for its anti-bullying efforts, says victims of bullying at her school are taught to look the bully straight in the eye “with fire eyes” in order to regain equal power. Once they stop behaving in a vulnerable ‘victim’ way, the bully has lost power over them and the bullying stops.

Use humour
While it’s great that you’re aware of the potential seriousness of bullying, you won’t want to convey too much of your fear to your son. It’s one of those balancing acts that parents often have to do – acknowledging your child’s feelings while not making too much of the situation. As you no doubt realise, your reactions are likely to be coloured by your own childhood experience of bullying.

Sometimes humour can help lighten the situation. If it seems appropriate, you could create imaginary pictures of the punishments you’d like to deal out to anyone who would hurt your son. For example, you might tell him you’d like to spin (offender’s name) around on a swing until he turns green, or stick a label to his back that says ‘I am stupid’. Be light-hearted about it so it’s clear that you’re joking and use images that you know will make your son laugh. Just creating the pictures can have an empowering effect.

What makes a bully?
When children as young as six act like bullies, it’s very likely they are experiencing bullying at home, either from their siblings or parents. It might not necessarily be directed at them but it is how they commonly see people relating to each other, so it seems acceptable. (The part of their brain that relates to morality and reasoning will not be fully formed until late adolescence.)

Australian studies have shown that children who are ‘insecurely attached’ and don’t have positive relationships with their parents are more likely to become bullies than children who are close to their parents. Judy Harrison says that bullying is about children and power: “It’s about making themselves feel good and doing it the wrong way.”

Bullies often have a strong desire to dominate their peers and a need to belong to a group that is ‘having fun’. They need to be saved from their own mistaken beliefs. Unfortunately, according to a Swedish study, a substantial number of them will end up being involved in crime. This connection has been recognised by Australia’s National Crime Prevention Branch of the Attorney-General’s Department, which, in the late 1990s, identified school bullying as a risk factor for antisocial and criminal behaviour.

Further reading

• The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School – How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence by Barbara Coloroso (Collins, 2004)
• Facing the Schoolyard Bully: How to Raise an Assertive Child in an Aggressive World by Kim Zarzour (Firefly Books, 2000)
• Bullying at School: What We Know and What We Can Do (Understanding Children’s Worlds) by Dan Olweus (Blackwell Publishers, 1993)
  Talk about it

For free counselling, visit www.kidshelp.com.au or call the Kids Help Line, 1800 55 1800.

 

Got a problem?
Email Carolyn Parfitt at relate@notebookmagazine.com, or write to: Relate/Notebook:, Locked Bag 5030, Alexandria NSW 2015. Please note that we cannot respond to all queries.

Words: Carolyn Parfitt. Images: Getty