To have and to hold

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Our relationship expert counsels and offers advice for a confused reader whose partner has told her he doesn’t want to have children.

“My boyfriend of 14 months recently announced he has no intention of having children of his own. I am a single mother, aged 32, with an eight-year-old daughter. I am worried that a guy who won’t commit to parenting his own kids ultimately won’t be a good stepfather (although, in his favour, he and my daughter do get along well). Ever since my marriage ended six years ago, I have been hoping to one day meet someone special and ‘complete’ my family. Now I can’t decide whether to commit to our relationship and accept that I won’t have any more children, or to say goodbye, shed some tears and start again.

I don’t feel comfortable denying my natural mothering instincts and, at 32, the biological clock is ticking; I am unsure if I will find a new partner before it’s too late. Is it too big a risk to give up a good relationship? I really enjoy my relationship with my boyfriend; he is a great guy, and very special. Is he too good to lose over this?” Linda, Parkwood WA

Carolyn Parfitt, psychotherapist:
This is such an important issue for so many women. Having all the ideal ingredients in line at once – love, the ability to conceive, enough financial security, a willing
partner and so on – can be difficult to achieve, and it can be hard not to panic. In your particular case, a number of factors are encouraging. Firstly, you are talking about the issue rather than saying nothing and hoping your boyfriend will change his mind; secondly, you already have a child; and finally, you’re 32 rather than 42. While only you can ultimately answer the question of whether to risk the relationship for the chance to have another child, let’s take a look at some of the issues involved.

What’s true, here and now?
Rather than staying in the murky waters of uncertainty, or worrying about what might or might not happen in the future, let’s look at what you do know now. Some statements in your letter stand out as being very clear. For instance: ‘he and my daughter do get along well’. At the very least, this is a good start. Whether your boyfriend will be a good step-parent in the long run is something you can’t absolutely know, but you can have an inkling, based on observing his values and whether he is a responsible, caring person and likes children.

‘I don’t feel comfortable denying my natural mothering instincts’. And fair enough, too. It’s important that you know yourself and respect your instincts. The more honest you are with your partner from the outset, the better off you will both be in the long run. At the same time, it would be wise at this stage not to put too much pressure on him. He has a right to choose not to have children, just as you have a right to your desire to have more, and he could easily feel hurt by the implication that it’s really a baby you want, rather than him. ‘I really enjoy my relationship with my boyfriend; he is a great guy, and very special.’ Lucky you. It’s understandable that you’re having a hard time deciding whether to risk giving him up.

Living in the present
While it’s wise to plan ahead to some extent, there is also a very good case for knowing how to enjoy just today, or even just the moment. We create a lot of unnecessary stress for ourselves by worrying about the future or dwelling on the past, missing out on the chance of enjoying what is happening right now. And right now, after all, is the only time we can influence with any certainty.

No doubt you’ve thought of all the various outcomes which could result from any decision you make, right from the most romantic scenario of finding the perfect man who wants exactly the same number of children as you do, to remaining single and a mother of one. Nothing in life is really certain. A helpful approach can be to work towards building a healthy level of self-esteem and a good support network, as well as finding ways to live a life you find fulfilling, regardless of whether it includes a partner or children. Then you’ll be more likely to be strong enough to deal with whatever comes your way.

To have or have not
Understandably, people who have siblings of their own and who have good relationships with those siblings often place a lot of importance on having more than one child. The same goes for people who were unhappy being an only child. In fact, many people will replicate the number of children in their family of origin when it comes to creating a family of their own. Does this ring true for you? And what of your boyfriend? Most people do end up having children, so the decision not to is always an interesting one. Have you talked to him about his own experiences and feelings?

Would you go it alone?
Women have always had babies without a partner – often by accident in days gone by, but these days more often by choice. Before embarking on such a course, it’s best to carefully consider the implications of having a baby on your own – both financial and emotional – and to ensure you have a good base of support from friends and relatives. Next, you need to consider whether you want to use sperm donated by a friend or sperm from a donor you don’t know. Your local IVF clinic can help you with either of these options.

If a friend agrees to be the donor, you’ll need to have a clear agreement about his involvement, or lack thereof, in your child’s life, and understand that the donor has no legal claims on the child, even if you put his name on the birth certificate. With regard to a donor you don’t know, whose sperm you would obtain from an IVF clinic, it is now a legal requirement that these donors consent to any resulting children having access to the donor’s identity when the child turns 18; an anonymous sperm donation is no longer an option.

Small blessings
The Australian Bureau of Statistics estimates 25 per cent of Australian women currently in their reproductive years will never have children. How many of them will have chosen not to have children is not estimated, but a considerable proportion of that number will be due to today’s trend of marrying later. By the time many women find a partner and decide to have children, it’s often too late to conceive or carry a pregnancy to full-term, which of course can be heartbreaking.

Yvonne Allen, who runs Australia’s leading introduction service, says many women in their late thirties and even mid-forties come to her service “desperate to have a child”. Many arrive in tears due to the break-up of a relationship they saw as their only chance of becoming a mother.

Yvonne’s service aims to introduce women in this position to men who are at least open to having children, and success stories do occur, such as the woman in her late thirties who had previously been in lesbian relationships and then decided she wanted to have children in a relationship with a man. She was paired with a man whose main goal was to establish a family and, as it turned out, things worked out between them – they now have two children and love each other very much.

Certainly one of the advantages of meeting through an introduction agency is that the cards are on the table as far as wanting to have children or not goes; something which is often missing when people meet through their own devices.
“It’s crazy the number of people who say they didn’t really discuss the issue [of having children] before they got married,” says Yvonne. “The superficial criteria of chemistry is used as the main criteria [for marrying], whereas there has to be shared values and understanding.”

Helpful websites

FPA Health Foundation
For information about fertility, conception and pregnancy: www.fpahealth.org.au
Access
The infertility support and advocacy group: www.access.org.au
IVF Australia
www.ivf.com.au or 1800 111 483
Yvonne Allen & Associates
www.yvonneallen.com.au