Together forever

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What makes a marriage last? Psychotherapist Carolyn Parfitt offers some thoughtful tips to a reader who is planning to get married.

It’s so exciting to receive a letter like this. Just being aware that it might pay to think ahead about what makes marriage work is a great step towards success. You also sound generous, responsible and giving, which are all encouraging signs. If only more people would ask questions about how to improve their communication skills and understand each other better, perhaps the divorce rate wouldn’t be as high as it is. So, congratulations, Justine, for inquiring, and all the best for a wonderful, fulfilling marriage.

Something to think about
Plenty of information exists in our libraries, bookshops and on the internet about how to speak for yourself effectively, how to be responsible rather than blaming others, how to understand the ways in which men and women communicate differently, and so on. What isn’t as often discussed is the huge influence of your family of origin in the success or otherwise of your marriage. And by that I don’t mean what they do now – approving or disapproving, being helpful or interfering – although those things will have their impact, too. What I’m talking about is how growing up in that family will influence what happens when you start to create your own. After all, that’s where we first learn about relationships and all that comes with them – conflict, caring, betrayal, loyalty, friendship, abandonment, nurturing and so on. It’s also where we form our values.

Crossing cultures

Whether or not you’re both Australian, you still come from two different cultures, and it is important to understand this when embarking on a marriage. Each family has its own ‘culture’ or way of doing things, its own set of rules for living. Consequently, ‘cultural’ differences will arise between you and your partner, and you will have to find a way to deal with them.

An example of such a difference could be in the ways your families celebrate birthdays. One might be in the habit of celebrating every birthday with a dinner the whole family attends, while the other family makes an effort only for ‘special’ birthdays. Or one family’s way of caring might be to telephone twice a day when someone is ill, while the other tries hard to stay out of the way and not ‘interfere’.

With just these two simple examples, you can see how not understanding each other’s culture can lead to upset. Imagine the potential for conflict when the issues are much bigger, such as how to raise children. Add actual country-of-origin cultural differences and you have an even greater challenge.

Start talking
Really talking to each other on a regular basis is a great habit to get into at the outset. What could be sexier than having someone lovingly and fully interested in who you are, what your childhood was like and what’s really important to you? The time you and your partner devote
to deep discussion about yourselves and your expectations will be well rewarded, and not just by passionate sex – although, with any luck, that will be an outcome