When romance fades

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My husband and I seem to be moving in different directions. He is happiest sitting in front of sport on the TV while I’m still keen to have a little romance. I love him but I feel angry that he doesn’t do anything spontaneous, like take me out to dinner or buy flowers for me, just to help me feel I’m still attractive. I feel like I’m invisible. He goes to bed an hour or so after I do and he seems to have no interest whatsoever in having a sexual relationship. Before you jump to conclusions, I know him and I know he isn’t having an affair – he’s just not that interested. We are in our mid-forties and have two teenage children at home. We’re both busy with jobs and never have time just for the two of us. It’s hard to know what the point of working so hard is when there’s so little fun in our lives. How do I change this? Heather, Rivervale WA

Lucky you! While it’s awful to feel ‘invisible’, even to be asking this question means you’re ready to find ways to deepen your relationship with your husband, to inject some romance back in and make your life more fulfilling. How exciting. Okay, it’s not going to happen overnight, but you have in your possession the two most vital ingredients for ensuring that it will happen: the desire to change and love. So go for it. You could be about to discover a new and more profound romance than you have ever had before.

The joys of maturity
If you’re not divorced or separated, one of the tasks of middle age is to reconnect with your partner. Sometime in the next decade your children will leave home and you’ll have more time for yourselves and each other. Now is an excellent time to start thinking about the quality of your relationship and how you would like to be relating to each other.

So many images of romance we see in movies and advertising involve people who are young, trim, taut and terrific. The implication is that in middle age it’s all over. But no. You have the benefit of experience, you know each other well, and you have a love that has withstood a range of trials. You’ve moved from the heady ‘in love’ stage through making a home and being parents together to a mature love based on mutual care, a shared history you cherish and the comfortable security of being able to assume your relationship will continue.

It’s the ‘comfortable’ part you have to watch out for, and when you hit that stage, as you
seem to have done, it’s a good idea to think about it and do some work. Steve and Shaaron Biddulph, in their book The Making of Love (Doubleday, 2001), suggest treating your partner as you would treat a stranger, with the same courtesy and interest.

“When you come together at the end of the day, it is important to recognise that you are not meeting the same person. This is critical,” they say. “The first part of loving is to watch, listen, sense and feel the person who is actually with you at that moment – not a fantasy or a memory of them.”

Romance isn’t just about sex
Romance is about intimacy, which is about sharing your deepest fears, concerns and desires, things you might not share with any other person. One of the things that can prevent intimacy is censoring yourself for fear of being rejected. For instance, not initiating sex because your partner might say no. Imagine how little sex there would be if everyone did that. Another example might be not admitting your fear that he doesn’t find you attractive any more. Who knows? He might find this a relief because it will allow him to reveal his own insecurities.

If it’s been a while since you had sex, you might have to approach it gradually, starting with giving each other more cuddles and massages. Saying ‘I love you’ wouldn’t hurt either. Give for the sake of it, without the expectation of sex, so there’s no pressure.

What’s going on for him?
If you’re not happy, it’s very likely that your husband isn’t happy either. Why not ask him? On the other hand, men at this stage often love ‘comfortable’ and being able to just take their relationship for granted. The trouble is, guess how that can make women feel? Taken for granted! Women often feel insecure about ageing and not being the same sexy little minx (or whatever) he first clapped eyes on. They tend to need more reassurance on this count. (Which doesn’t mean that men don’t need reassurance too.)

It’s time you talked about these issues. Do it when you’re feeling warm and loving rather than angry, and tell him how you’re feeling. Take care to speak for yourself and avoid accusing or using words like ‘never’ (for instance, ‘You never do anything to make me feel good’). What you could say is something like, ‘I feel sad that we don’t seem to have any romance these days. I don’t want to give up on sex just yet. I love you and I want to get back to enjoying each other more’.

Take care with his feelings and realise that, in general, men are likely to find it harder to ask for help and to express their feelings than women because they haven’t been encouraged to do so.

Is there a physical cause?
If your husband’s sex drive is markedly different to what it once was, a number of factors could be contributing to this: stress, worries, health problems, embarrassment, feeling it’s too much like hard work, and so on. Perhaps he has started finding it hard to achieve an erection. One man in three has some difficulty with this by the age of 60.This is a very sensitive subject for men, who have always been under pressure to perform, cannot hide it very easily if they don’t, and have been the ones mostly held responsible for good sex. It’s really not fair on them.

Once your husband knows that you would like to rekindle your love life with him, he might want to see his GP if erectile difficulties are an issue. If you don’t tell him that you’re interested, he could easily go along thinking you’re quite happy living without sex.

Medicines are available, but a pill is no substitute for a compassionate and loving relationship with a good flow of communication. Keep in mind that all of this is quite normal and to be expected in a long-term relationship. So many couples experience sexual problems at some time that it would be more abnormal not to do so.

Accept what you can’t change
If he loves football on TV, accept it and let him be. Make plans to do more of the activities that you can enjoy together. Rather than focusing on changing your husband’s behaviour, which gives him the wrong message about being loved and accepted as he is, focus on changing your relationship and your response to it. Be creative and romantic yourself – you never know where it might lead. At best, he’ll see what you’re trying to do and respond with love; at worst, he’ll continue as he has been, but at least you won’t die wondering.

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Latest comments:

mandysue

added this comment at 9:34am Wed 24th May, 2006

Thanks for this article. My husband and I have had a tough couple of years with building a new house, a new baby, the death of his father and more. With all that happening we have forgotten about each other a little and it was great to sit back and read that we are normal and there are ways to get close again!