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While reading your letter, it occurred to me that marriage, and being ‘square’, could be your son’s way of rebelling against parents who don’t present all that much to rebel against. What do you think? It might be over-simplifying things, but it’s an interesting thought.

Radically conservative

Your son’s desire to get married puts him at odds with modern trends, which doesn’t mean it’s wrong, just increasingly unusual. These days, most people live together before marrying (76 per cent, according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics). The median age for first marriages has been creeping up ever since the 1970s when both men and women tended to marry in their early twenties. Now it’s more like 31 years of age for men and 29 for women (2006 figures).

What can you do?

In Australia, people can get married without their parents’ consent once they have turned 18, so the law is on your son’s side, unless his girlfriend is under 18. If she is between 16 and 18 she will need her parents’ consent in order to marry. It would probably be a good idea to find out how her parents feel about them getting married. You might find some allies there who can help to put the brakes on. Whatever you do, you will need to handle this situation diplomatically, compassionately, and with respect – which is what adolescents really want from their parents. In the end, the decision will be the young couple’s. 

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Stepping back

In many situations with an almost-grown-up child, a parent’s best strategy is to stay calm, bite your tongue, and treat him or her like an adult. The good parenting skills you learned with a younger child are still relevant – such as active listening and maintaining your own boundaries, as well as offering support that matches your son’s needs, not yours. So while it is best to be genuine and express your misgivings – that is, tell him you have difficulty with the idea of him marrying so young – he will also need to feel you trust him to make the best decision. Try to leave the door open for him to change his mind of his own accord rather than be forced to hold on stubbornly just to make a point. Maybe he will; maybe he won’t. Your job now is to be on the sidelines with steady support while letting go enough to allow him to find his own path. And yes, it’s not easy.

Hopes and dreams

What did you have in mind for your son? You say you want him to “see the world and have a life”. Of course you do, but that is mostly about you and your view of what’s important in life. Can you recognise and encourage what he wants? Talking to him about his desires for his own life might be helpful. Accepting what he has to say and getting to know him better might bring you closer, too. Consider what message you will be giving him if you seem disappointed with his choices. How is he meant to feel good about himself if his parents think he should be different from how he actually is?

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