Dealing with dad

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“I am hoping you can give me some tips for dealing with my dad. My parents divorced when I was really little due to my father’s alcoholism, so he wasn’t a daily presence in my life. Now that I am in my thirties I am making a real effort to talk to and spend time with him, but am finding it frustrating because he seems unable to have a normal conversation, and takes things really literally. How can I maintain my relationship with him, but let him know that some of his behaviour is driving me away, without hurting him? He is still drinking, although not as heavily as he used to, and with the understanding that he is an alcoholic.” Renee, Yallambie VIC

It’s wonderful that you are trying to create a new relationship with your dad, even though it might be hard. It sounds as if he isn’t the easiest person, but no doubt it is important to him to have a relationship with you as well. His way of doing it might not be the best, but perhaps it’s the best he can do at the moment. In inviting him back into your life, it could be useful to acknowledge (to yourself) your real feelings about him, to realise that it’s important to take care of yourself and your needs first, and to set clear boundaries.

Old feelings
Growing up without your dad around must have had quite an impact on you, as well as on how you feel about him, and while it’s not necessary to share this with him, it might be worthwhile thinking about it yourself. For instance, are you sad that he wasn’t there? Angry? Ashamed? Let down? Any and all of these emotions would be reasonable responses to your situation, as most children want both of their parents, preferably together, there for them while they’re growing up. Recognise those feelings then give yourself permission to have them. You don’t need to feel guilty.

Current feelings
Apart from the annoyance and frustration, what are your feelings about your father now? Your efforts show that you do have a level of compassion for him. Do you know why he is an alcoholic? Do other people in your family have a problem with alcohol, as is often the case? (Whether due to genetics or the environment in which they find themselves, people whose parents were/are alcoholics have a high risk of developing alcoholism and often marry alcoholics, too.) It sounds as if you love your father, despite everything. What do you like about him? Writing a list  of his good points could be useful.

Taking care of you
Figure out what your boundaries are with your dad and be clear about them – that is, what you’re prepared to do, and what you won’t tolerate. Do what you consider to be the right thing by him so you feel good about yourself, but not at the expense of your own needs. For instance, how often would you like to see him? Where, and how, would you like to
spend time with him?

It’s reasonable to draw the line by saying, for example, ‘Dad, I want to spend the time with you now that we didn’t have when I was growing up, but I don’t want you yelling at me about small things’. Or whatever. If you can speak words that are true for you (when you’re not angry), from a position of kindness and compassion, wonders can happen. If you need help to practise doing it, a therapist could help you by leading role-plays in which you ‘speak’ to your father without him actually being there. It can really make the process a lot easier, and only requires a few sessions.

Being the child of an alcoholic
While it is sad that your dad suffers from the disease of alcoholism, the fact is that he does. That being the case, it might be possible to see some benefits in not having had him around as a daily presence while you were growing up. Perhaps you have been spared the issues that the adult children of alcoholic parents often have to deal with – including low self-esteem, depression, compulsions or addictions, difficulty having fun and feeling different from other people, for instance. If your father wasn’t around all that much and you were very young when your parents separated, you might also have avoided much of the burden of guilt that many children take on, feeling that somehow they were the cause of the problems in their home.

If some of the above qualities do ring true for you though, it might help you to understand that they are common to many children of alcoholics and that you are by no means alone. Having said that, we all suffer leftover hurts from childhood, and you sound very well-balanced and happy overall.

That’s about all I can say in reply to you personally, Renee, but the following information might also be of interest to you, and to other children of alcoholics.

• Becoming Your Own Parent: The Solution for Adult Children of Alcoholic and Other Dysfunctional Families by Dennis Wholey (Doubleday, 1988)
• Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz (Health Communications, 1990)
• Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics by Robert J. Ackerman (HarperCollins, 2002)

Got a problem?
Email Carolyn Parfitt at relate@notebookmagazine.com, or write to: Relate/Notebook:, Locked Bag 5030, Alexandria NSW 2015. Please note that we can’t respond to all queries.

Words: Carolyn Parfitt. Image: Getty Images.