When romance fades

My husband and I seem to be moving in different directions. He is happiest sitting in front of sport on the TV while I’m still keen to have a little romance. I love him but I feel angry that he doesn’t do anything spontaneous, like take me out to dinner or buy flowers for me, just to help me feel I’m still attractive. I feel like I’m invisible. He goes to bed an hour or so after I do and he seems to have no interest whatsoever in having a sexual relationship. Before you jump to conclusions, I know him and I know he isn’t having an affair – he’s just not that interested. We are in our mid-forties and have two teenage children at home. We’re both busy with jobs and never have time just for the two of us. It’s hard to know what the point of working so hard is when there’s so little fun in our lives. How do I change this? Heather, Rivervale WA

Lucky you! While it’s awful to feel ‘invisible’, even to be asking this question means you’re ready to find ways to deepen your relationship with your husband, to inject some romance back in and make your life more fulfilling. How exciting. Okay, it’s not going to happen overnight, but you have in your possession the two most vital ingredients for ensuring that it will happen: the desire to change and love. So go for it. You could be about to discover a new and more profound romance than you have ever had before.

The joys of maturity
If you’re not divorced or separated, one of the tasks of middle age is to reconnect with your partner. Sometime in the next decade your children will leave home and you’ll have more time for yourselves and each other. Now is an excellent time to start thinking about the quality of your relationship and how you would like to be relating to each other.

So many images of romance we see in movies and advertising involve people who are young, trim, taut and terrific. The implication is that in middle age it’s all over. But no. You have the benefit of experience, you know each other well, and you have a love that has withstood a range of trials. You’ve moved from the heady ‘in love’ stage through making a home and being parents together to a mature love based on mutual care, a shared history you cherish and the comfortable security of being able to assume your relationship will continue.

It’s the ‘comfortable’ part you have to watch out for, and when you hit that stage, as you
seem to have done, it’s a good idea to think about it and do some work. Steve and Shaaron Biddulph, in their book The Making of Love (Doubleday, 2001), suggest treating your partner as you would treat a stranger, with the same courtesy and interest.

“When you come together at the end of the day, it is important to recognise that you are not meeting the same person. This is critical,” they say. “The first part of loving is to watch, listen, sense and feel the person who is actually with you at that moment – not a fantasy or a memory of them.”

123   |  Single page