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The impulsiveness of youth is a common source of parental angst. Carolyn Parfitt offers guidance to a couple who are concerned about their son’s eagerness to take on the serious commitment of marriage and family all too soon.

“We have been cool parents ­– open about our early experiments with drugs and sex. We would be happy for our son to have his girlfriend stay overnight with him, or even move in if that’s what he wants. Unfortunately, he has just told us he wants to get married and start a family. We are totally shocked. He’s only 20 and this is his first girlfriend! I can’t hide my feelings here; I deeply disapprove. He is our only child and I hoped he would stay at home for a few more years. His mother and I were in our thirties when we married, and we had lived together first. But he is not interested in that approach because he wants to make being married more ‘special’. Although he has a responsible, well-paid job, we want him to see the world and have a life before he settles down. What can we do?”- Danny, Lorne, Victoria



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You poor things. I think I’d feel exactly the same as you do if my daughter wanted to get married so young. This is very delicate and tricky territory, calling for a lot of respect and compassion and some very adept parenting indeed.

What’s happening

Although regarded as an adult by society, your 20-year-old son is really still on the outside edge of adolescence, with a way to go before full maturity. For some years, his important developmental tasks have revolved around the question, ‘Who am I?’ In working out what his own ideas, beliefs and values are, he has been creating an identity that is necessarily separate and different from yours. He has also been moving towards being able to share intimacy in his personal relationships outside the family. This process is often confronting for parents because it can feel as though all your effort, values and nurturing are being rejected. The intensity of it can be gut-wrenching.

Keep in mind that some form of rebellion is natural at this stage in your son’s life; in fact, it’s healthy. It doesn’t mean your child no longer respects and loves you. Being able to stand up to parents – a person’s first authority figures – is good practice for standing up for yourself in the world in general. When handled well, it will protect your son and give him confidence. Being on the receiving end of it is hard, requiring you to be as loving and generous as only parents can.

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