The stories of stepchildren

Stepfamilies are commonplace in today’s society, but happily blending a family takes love and patience. By Linda Peatling.

Jenny and Anthony Clarke, both 36

“I woke up one day and Dad was gone,” says Anthony Clarke of the day his father left his family, 22 years ago. Anthony was 14 years old at the time and vividly remembers his feelings of bewilderment. “It was almost surreal,” he recalls. “There had always been conflict in the house but Mum was distraught when Dad actually left so it was very upsetting to see her that way.”

In the first few months after the separation, Anthony and his 12-year-old sister Ashleigh often begged their father to come home. “We were just kids so we wanted Mum and Dad to stay together, even though they didn’t get along at all,” he says. “You don’t think about those kinds of things when you’re a kid, you just want the family back together.”

At the same age, however, Anthony’s future wife Jenny was actually advising her own mother to leave her unhappy marriage. “Dad and I got along very well but I knew Mum wasn’t happy and that was heartbreaking for me,” she says.

Nevertheless, Jenny’s mother stayed with her husband for a few more years, waiting to leave until Jenny and her older sister Karen had grown up. “I know Mum stayed for our sake,” reflects Jenny. “I think she wanted to protect us… As an adult, I wish she’d left earlier for her own sake, but I don’t know how I would have handled it if she had left when we were children.”

The only insight Jenny has into what life might have been like if her parents had divorced when she was a child are her husband’s stories about his own traumatic teenage years. With his father gone, Anthony became the man of the house and acted as an emotional support for his distressed mother. “Mum was almost suicidal for a while and I didn’t know how to handle that,” Anthony remembers. “But over time she covered up her pain very well and there was more of an empty feeling in the house. She relied on me a lot to help with all the big things around the house and she relied on my sister to do a lot of the housework.”

On weekends, Anthony and Ashleigh would visit their father, but they were only allowed to stay for the day as their father had found a new girlfriend. “He would buy us things and take us to the movies but he was pretty quick to get rid of us at the end of the day,” says Anthony. “It’s strange, but we actually took it out on Mum. We resented going back to her place because she represented the humdrum of life while Dad was the fun part.”

A year after the separation Anthony’s father remarried, but the announcement came as a shock to Anthony and his family. “It was devastating because I think we still sort of hoped that Mum and Dad would get back together.”

Despite feelings of resentment about the marriage, Anthony went to live with his father and stepmother at the age of 17. “I wasn’t enjoying living with Mum. She would have all her divorced friends around for man-bashing sessions,” he recalls. “I started to feel guilty about being male so I needed to get out.”

Life with his father and stepmother, however, was little, if any, improvement. “My stepmother was actually quite nice but she was Japanese and spoke very little English so it was hard for us to communicate,” Anthony remembers. “She would pack my lunch with things like mashed potato sandwiches and cans of beer, and it was a big joke at school… I couldn’t talk to my father because he was always busy with his businesses and drank a lot.”

It wasn’t long before Anthony’s world was again rocked, this time by the announcement that his stepmother was going to have a baby. “My father kept it a secret from us up until the last moment. Suddenly there was a new baby on the scene and we were definitely second best,” he recalls. “My father acted differently and wanted me out of the house.”

Feeling rejected, Anthony asked his mother if he could return home but she made him beg for the privilege. “Mum had been hurt by the fact that Dad had moved out so she made me pay for it. She’d gutted my room and burned a lot of my stuff.”

In the end, Anthony’s mother did allow him to return home and he developed a close bond with her, which lasted until she died from breast cancer when Anthony was 23. “Mum had mellowed by the time I came home and I’d grown up. I would have done anything for her,” he says. In the meantime, however, Anthony’s relationship with his father and stepfamily soured. “Dad didn’t seem interested in my sister and me at all… It felt like nothing we did was ever good enough for him.”

By this time, Anthony had met Jenny, who had been through the trauma of watching her own parents split up when she was 21. “It was really hard because when Mum finally left it was a relief for me but Dad was devastated and would call me up asking for advice because we were very close,” she recalls. “Mum went back to Dad once after she left and that also made me feel torn because I felt it was the wrong thing for Mum to do but I was relieved to see my father happy again.”

Jenny’s parents finally split for good in 1990. Her father has since remarried, which means Jenny now has adult step-siblings of her own. “I don’t think of them as brothers and sisters, but we all get along,” she says. “It’s a completely different situation when a parent remarries after you’ve grown up because you don’t need them in the same way and you’re obviously more mature so it’s not hurtful. You can see things from their point of view.”

Today, Jenny and Anthony have differing views on what should happen in a situation where a child’s parents fall out of love. “I would never treat my children the way we were treated. If Jenny and I had problems I think I would try to stay together until the kids grew up because I couldn’t put them through that… My experiences have taught me a lot about what being a husband and father is all about,” says Anthony firmly.

Jenny sees things a little differently: “I tend to think that it’s no good for children to see parents stay together just for their sakes. To grow up in an unhappy home is awful for everyone.”

Stepfamily support agencies

Stepfamily Association of Victoria
www.stepfamily.org.au

Stepfamily Zone
www.stepfamily.asn.au

Relationships Australia
1300 364 277
www.relationships.com.au

Family Services Australia
1300 365 859
www.fsa.org.au

Family & Community Services New Zealand
www.familyservices.govt.nz

Common myths about stepfamilies

• A stepfamily is created instantly.
• Stepfamilies can function like biological families.
• All stepfamily members will, given time, love one another.
• Relating to stepchildren is the same as relating to biological children.
• All of the children in a stepfamily will automatically get on well together.
• A stepfamily is typically headed by a wicked stepmother or cruel stepfather.
• If stepchildren are treated kindly by their step-parent they will always respond well.
• A couple can love one another so much that problems creating a stepfamily will be easily overcome.

For explanations on each of these myths, go to www.relate.gov.au.

Photography: Sam McAdam