Acts of kindness

Changing the world is an honourable notion, but where do you start? Marion Parsonage saw a global problem and decided to start a revolution in the schoolyard. By Francesca Newby.

Ballarat is a monument to the extraordinary riches of the gold rush and the Victorian era’s obsession with dynastic architecture. Beneath the inevitable layer of ugly signs and sprouting wires lie the gracious bones of a grand country town. Perched on a corner in Ballarat North, dwarfed by the splendour of the central mansions, is a striking little cottage. Here, the marriage of old and new is deliberate rather than shotgun, and considerably more successful. Three little model finches greet visitors to The Country Mouse − each housed in its own delicate cage and resplendent in a new winter hat. “You must be freezing,” exclaims Marion as she ushers me through the gate and into her jewel of a shop.

Originally from Sydney’s North Shore, Marion lived in Bowral, in the Southern Highlands of New South Wales, for 18 years before settling in Ballarat. “I found The Country Mouse in 2000,” she explains. “Years earlier, during my second marriage, my mother-in-law lived with us. She was 90 years old and blind, but full of life and stories. She would entertain my daughters with anecdotes about growing up in Ballarat in the 1920s. Her tales were so full of history and colour that I was always fascinated by them and by the picture of Ballarat that grew in my mind.”

It took many years, and several twists, before life finally led Marion to Ballarat. As with any good story, it was an unexpected sequence of events that saw her become the ‘cupcake lady’ of the region, and a remarkable force for good. “Years down the track,” says Marion, “while married to my third husband, we transferred from New South Wales to Victoria. My husband was a pilot and it was up to me to occupy myself while he was away.” With three daughters and an ailing father to care for, Marion had her hands full, but the lure of the countryside remained strong. “I really wanted to see Ballarat,” she says. “The stories my mother-in-law told me had captivated my imagination. The weekend we drove down for the first time I just fell in love with the area on the spot.”

At a period of time when her father was dying and her marriage was troubled, Marion found herself irresistibly drawn to the city and its surrounds. “Close to his end my father said to me: ‘You’ve done your work; you’ve brought up your children. Now it’s time for you to live your dreams’,” remembers Marion. “He left me a little money, and when this property came on the market I knew it was exactly what I’d always been looking for.” For close to 20 years Marion had nurtured the ambition of opening the perfect little emporium. “I carried this picture in my mind of the dream shop I knew I would open one day,” she explains. “I never knew exactly what it would be, but I knew how it would be and that it would be real one day. It would be for women, across the generations, and would be a place where they could browse for treasures and celebrate the stages of life.”

As her marriage came to an end, the shop and the house behind it, both of which Marion had bought, became the focal point of family life. With her two elder daughters, Stephanie and Alexandra living independently, Marion and her youngest daughter, Naomi, settled into a cosy domestic routine. “At that stage I ran the house as a bed and breakfast and Naomi and I lived in an apartment behind the shop,” Marion says. “It was wonderful at first, but hard work and very confined. One day I thought, ‘we can’t live like this anymore’, so I decided we’d move into the house and open the back of the shop as a beautiful cafe.”

The unexpected factor was the central role that the humble, or in this case, not so humble, cupcake would play in establishing The Country Mouse. “In a way, I introduced cupcakes to Ballarat,” says Marion. “Obviously people cooked them, and you can get them in bakeries, but only very plain ones – not the way we do them.” At Marion’s place, cupcakes are created with the same high style that is applied to everything: elaborate, decorative, feminine touches underpinned by vivid colours. “To me, it’s a giving thing,” she explains. “I adore watching how life unfolds in the cafe. I noticed very quickly the way women love to give when they celebrate. Not just a gift, but a whole event is often about giving and recognition. When people came into the cafe with friends to celebrate birthdays, we began to send out a birthday cupcake, elaborately decorated and beautifully presented on a cut-glass pedestal with candles. Then we’d all sing ‘Happy Birthday’. The cakes very quickly became associated with The Country Mouse.”

It was these exquisite cupcakes, embellished with a sugar-frosting flower, that inspired Marion’s quest to make a difference in this world. “Really,” says Marion, “starting The Act of Kindness awards was a culmination of many things. I have three daughters who have grown to womanhood at such different times in the world. I could see so clearly the challenges my younger daughter faced making her way into adult life were so different to those of her older sisters.” Cupcakes and terrorism may seem strange bedfellows, but in the enchanted world of The Country Mouse, one has become part of the solution to the other.

Horrified by the events that unfolded in the first few years of this century, Marion decided to concentrate on finding a positive response. “This need to create change at a personal level came when we were going through such a dreadful time as a society. There was the shocking attack on the Twin Towers in New York; then, when we were still feeling so vulnerable, the London bombings happened.” While her elder daughters were already grown women, Naomi was only 17 and already grappling with the difficult journey of adolescence. Struck by the added burden her daughter and her peers faced, Marion felt she needed to act. 

“It was such an overwhelming time, and at first I thought: ‘What can only one person do?’ But then I realised all this aggression, that terrorism itself, was really the extreme of bullying,” explains Marion. At first it might seem like a long bow to draw, but Marion, immersed in the world of teenagers, could see a parallel. “There is so much emphasis on bullying in schools,” she explains. “I asked myself: ‘What is the opposite of bullying? It’s kindness.’ So I came up with the idea of the awards and approached the principals of the three closest schools.”

Marion was convinced that switching the focus from the negative to the positive would drive a cultural shift. “I went in and explained my concept to them,” states Marion. “I felt it was really simple. Of course, you need to accept the reality that there is bullying, and develop appropriate ways to manage it. But I wanted to turn the focus to the opposite. I said if they would keep their eye out for one child each week who’d spontaneously performed an act of kindness, then I would donate a certificate and a boxed cupcake to be presented at the assembly. Then, the child would have their name put in the newsletter so everyone would know about it.”

Initially, schools were interested in The Act of Kindness awards but wary. “They were all a bit sceptical,” remembers Marion. “All except Fiona Tonkin, the principal at St. Columba’s School. She immediately saw exactly how it would work.” Aside from some doubts about its effectiveness, all three principals were intrigued by the concept and ultimately persuaded by Marion’s conviction. To her great delight, St. Columba’s School, Black Hill Primary School and Macarthur Street Primary School all agreed to trial the program, and 18 months later, Hepburn Primary School became the first school to take on the program independently. “The change in culture began almost straight away,” says Marion. “Even in the staffroom the conversations became about who had been lovely rather than who had been difficult.”

At St. Columba’s, the weekly assembly is in progress. Marion and Andrew Young, a local business coach who has become her partner in The Act of Kindness program, have come to watch and make the presentation. The announcement of the award is a matter of great anticipation and it’s clear children long to hear their own name announced. This week’s winner is drawn from the ranks of the youngest students. Six-year-old Jordy comes forward, with a shy smile, to receive his cupcake, his certificate and the applause. Recognised for consistently offering to help those in need and for greeting everyone he meets with beautiful manners, Jordy is a little overwhelmed by the attention. He agrees to sit for a photograph with his friend Max, but refuses to open the box because he wants his mum to see it first.

“At first I wondered if the boys would like it,” admits Marion. “It’s all so cutesy and girly in a way. But of course, it’s edible as well as being an honour, so I needn’t have worried. It’s turned out the boys love the cake, and the girls adore the ribbons.” Fiona has no doubt the effect of the awards extends far beyond sugar and ribbons. “What Marion has done is inspiring,” she says. “Every school has an anti-bullying program; they’re a required feature (see An end to bullying, page 200). What Marion has allowed us to do is build a positive framework on top of that. She’s said, ‘Let’s focus on the positive; let’s reward what is good’. Now every child wants to win.” Fiona believes the awards have led to a sustained difference. “The very act of rewarding kindness has changed the focus and culture of the school in staff and students alike. They’ve always been good kids, but the difference we see is in the quality of their behaviour. They are trying to think about it; they’ve begun to aspire to it and that translates into cultural change.”

One example close to Fiona’s heart regards eight of the school’s older girls who were part of a soccer competition. “When they went to play at the competition they took along jewellery they had made and sold it to raise money for Project Compassion [a fund that helps support marginalised people and aims to alleviate poverty on a global basis]. The whole enterprise was entirely the girls’ own idea and work.” The principal could even see the effects in the way in which the girls accepted their award.

“Because the winners are never disclosed beforehand, not even to Marion, we only had one cupcake for eight girls,” explains Fiona. “The beautiful thing was they were just as delighted with their little slice each as they would have been with a whole one.” It has become clear to the staff at St. Columba’s that while the children love the cupcakes, their pride lies in the recognition the award confers. “That pride extends to their parents,” adds Fiona. “Only today I got an email from a parent about another matter altogether. When I reached the end I realised his signature now reads: ‘father of a cupcake winner’!”

With that, it’s time for the daily business of the school day to resume and, accompanied by Marion and Andrew, we head to Hepburn Primary School. Andrew’s commitment to The Act of Kindness program runs deeper than that of coach and mentor. His wife, Glenda Young, is the principal of Hepburn Primary and another early supporter of the awards. “What makes it work so well from the school’s perspective is the simplicity,” says Andrew. “Marion provides everything needed to institute the scheme and ensures it runs smoothly.” The only hitch so far has been the speed with which the awards grew, almost becoming too big for Marion to continue running alongside her business. “That’s when you get other people involved,” explains Andrew. “We have a policy of ‘asking the unreasonable questions’. You just don’t know what people will do to help unless you ask them.”

We arrive at the picture-perfect rural schoolhouse and are welcomed by Isabella and Belcy, currently in Year Five and Year Six respectively. They greet us formally, but welcome us with warmth, clearly delighted with the responsibility. We’ve arrived too late to watch the assembly, but the girls are unfazed. They are much too interested in letting us know their best friend, Sarah Collinson, is this week’s winner to worry about our lateness. Sarah is waiting inside, along with what seems like half of the school. Glenda ushers the rest of the children outside while singing Sarah’s praises, much to her embarrassment. When the compliments come to an end, Sarah seems relieved to run and find her friends, out of the spotlight and back in the playground.

“When I came to Hepburn in 2001 it had only 34 pupils,” says Glenda. At the time the school was on a departmental ‘hard to staff’ list and was on the verge of failing. Glenda was charged with turning the school around, and her success is obvious. “We have doubled our student numbers and the school is thriving,” says Glenda. Families travel from as far as neighbouring Glenlyon and Yandoit to bring their children to the school, attracted by its growing reputation and atmosphere of warmth.

“It’s a family school,” adds Glenda. “We’re small and we like to keep that sense of knowing who we are, of knowing each other. We all teach every child at some stage during the week and have an extensive buddy system – not only between the prep kids and the older students. Every child has a buddy now, even those who think they don’t need one.”

In addition to her role as teacher and administrator, Glenda plays a strong pastoral role in the school community. “While the curriculum is, of course, the basis of everything we teach, we do offer the children so much more,” says Glenda. “The Act of Kindness awards is one of the extracurricular programs we run and it’s had a tangible influence,” she says. “You realise it changes the way you look at the children. It makes you focus on the kids who slip under the radar, as usually it’s the troublemakers or the stars who get the bulk of the attention. In fact, you quickly realise that labels such as ‘troublemaker’ are just too simplistic and don’t reflect the depth of each child.”

To find out more about The Act of Kindness awards, visit www.theactofkindness.com.au.

 

An end to bullying

Schools throughout Australia run active anti-bullying programs, but the problem still exists. If you, or your child, have experienced bullying there are organisations that can help.

Some useful addresses are:

• www.bullyingnoway.com.au
• www.kidshelpline.com.au
• www.reachout.com.au
• www.realjustice.org

 

Photography: Andrew Lehmann. Hair & make-up: Ruth Sebire.