Just the two of us

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Ray Simpkin didn’t know if he would cope when his wife died after childbirth, but raising their son has brought him unexpected happiness.

English research scientist Ray Simpkin and his German wife Katharina dreamed of raising a family in the quiet, green suburbs of Auckland’s North Shore. But they knew any pregnancy would be risky, as Katharina suffered from primary pulmonary hypertension, a rare and incurable condition that makes it difficult for blood to be pumped through the lungs, causing breathlessness, fatigue and an enlarged heart.

As she had never displayed any symptoms and because the pregnancy went smoothly, Katharina and Ray hoped all would be well. Their son Ben was born one month premature on 11 August 2003, during a visit to Katharina’s family in Germany. He shared her enormous blue eyes and beautiful smile.

But events took a tragic turn when the symptoms of Katharina’s condition appeared a few days after the birth, possibly brought on by the hormonal changes in her body. She didn’t respond to drugs and became so weak from lack of oxygen that she could barely hold her tiny baby. A lung transplant was scheduled but unfortunately she became too ill to have the operation. The 24-year-old died just one month after her son’s birth.

Despite occasional visits from his family in Christchurch and Katharina’s family in Germany, and the assistance of seven godparents, Ray has raised Ben virtually single-handedly since then. A day in his life is much busier than many people’s, but having the cherubic little boy around makes it all worthwhile.
 
7am: “I’m getting a much better night’s sleep now that Ben’s sleeping right through,” smiles Ray as he helps his now three-year-old son pour milk on to his cornflakes. “He just did it one night. I woke up in the morning and realised something was different. Even now though, he’s usually awake before me. I can hear him through the intercom, chatting away happily to himself in his bed.” By necessity more independent than most children his age, Ben plays happily with his toys while Ray gets ready for work, and insists on dressing himself for day care. “I put a selection of clothes out for him and he chooses them himself. He’s quite particular – right down to his socks!” Katharina’s sister Maxi, 16, who is over from Germany to attend high school in Auckland for a year, sometimes has more luck convincing her nephew to put on clothing suitable for the day’s weather. “It’s great having Maxie around – it allows me a little more time to myself,” Ray admits. “But she’s not here to babysit; she’s here for school.”

7.50am: Ray loads up the car, and there’s not much room to spare after Ben is strapped into his car seat in the back, the stroller is wedged into the front passenger seat and the boot is filled with Ray’s briefcase, packed lunch, wet-weather gear and Ben’s day care kit. “We drive to Birkenhead wharf and take the ferry across to the city, except when the weather’s really extreme or if Ben’s slept in – which he does occasionally if he’s stayed up late the night before.” Ben’s big blue eyes light up as Ray parks. “Want to go in there, Daddy,” he says, pointing to the new ferry terminal building. “He likes anything to do with transport,” explains Ray as they board. “The ferry is a bit of an adventure. He likes to wander around and he’s made lots of friends. Before Ben was born, I hardly knew anyone!” The truth of this statement is borne out as Ray discusses day care options with a young couple during the ferry ride and Ben turns a TV stand into an improvised jungle gym while a group of women commuters look on fondly.

8.20am: Disembarking on the other side of the harbour, Ray secures Ben in his stroller for the brisk two-kilometre walk from the city along the waterfront to leafy Parnell, where Ray works and Ben goes to day care. “I enjoy it because it’s some of the only exercise I get to do now. I try to walk even when it rains, which it does a lot in Auckland. But I do end up looking like an Eskimo in my wet-weather gear! Sometimes Ben likes to walk a bit and then it takes us a little longer. He’s really getting a bit big for his stroller now, but we’ll just have to make do until he goes to school.”

8.45am:  Ben has been going to Gladstone Park Early Childhood Centre five days a week since he was three months old, so it’s no surprise when he disappears as soon as the pair arrive, making a beeline for the activities table. “After Katharina died, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about child care,” recalls Ray. “A nanny would have been too expensive and my work hours weren’t suitable for Barnardos. I even considered giving up full-time work and trying to eke out a living at home while I looked after Ben. I’m just lucky we got into this place. There’s a long waiting list but I think they took pity on me! And it’s perfect because it’s just over the road from work. Even so, it was fairly daunting leaving him here the first time. He was so little; the youngest they had. But it’s worked out really well. The staff do lots of activities with the kids so it’s very stimulating for them. And they learn to share and to get on with one another. Starting school will be a very easy transition for Ben, unlike it was for me!”

9am: After managing to divert Ben’s attention away from a jigsaw puzzle just long enough to elicit a farewell kiss and cuddle, Ray walks across the road to his work, a scientific research and development company called Industrial Research Limited.

A physicist by qualification, Ray spent 19 years working for British Aerospace in the UK before immigrating to New Zealand with Katharina in 2001 in search of a better lifestyle. For five years now he has been working on developing new 3-D breast imaging technology to help detect breast cancer. “It’s got huge potential,” he explains. “All going to plan, it will be more sensitive and more cost-effective than mammograms, plus it’s non-contact and there’s no harmful radiation. It should also be able to detect smaller tumours.” The work might be groundbreaking but Ray’s workspace looks like any other – a couple of computers, a desk scattered with papers and shelves stacked with reference materials and family photographs. “So far most of my work has been on the computer,” he explains, as a screensaver of Ben at the beach makes way for a complicated-looking graph of coloured lines and waves. “I usually spend the morning emailing work colleagues and funding organisations, reviewing research reports and patent applications, and running computer simulations of the 3-D imaging.”
 
12.15pm: The lunch Ray made the night before is usually eaten at his desk. But on Tuesdays and Thursdays, he and a group of work colleagues often pile into a mini-van and head to the nearest park for a 40-minute game of touch football. “I hadn’t played any sort of team sport until I started this five years ago. But now I love it; it’s fun, it’s good exercise and anyone can play – male or female, young or old – which is just as well, as I’m 46 now!”

1.30pm: Back at the office, Ray happily swaps his computer for the laboratory, using a microwave probe to measure the properties of breast ‘phantoms’. “We’ve carried out some patient trials but it’s difficult to find enough women with breast cancer to volunteer. Understandably, they want to concentrate on getting well, not testing new scanners. So we formulate mixtures of different materials to mimic the physical properties of breast tissue. Then we can trial the scanner on them as often as we want.” A bigger hurdle will be getting the 3-D imaging technology out of the lab and into commercial production. “The Breast Cancer Research Trust saw we were on to something worthwhile and gave us a $250,000 grant last year, but the reality is we need some serious investment from somewhere like the United States. It takes about 15 years to develop new types of medical imaging, like the X-ray for example, and because it’s used on people, everything has to be absolutely perfect. It’s a huge undertaking, but my gut feeling is we’ll get there. After all, every 1,000-mile journey starts with a single step.”

5.30pm: The journey home starts when Ray picks up Ben from day care. “They close at 5.45pm, so I can’t really leave it much later than this.” Despite being one of the last children there, Ben is still busily engrossed in making a tower from jumbo building blocks. When he sees his dad arrive, his smile lights up the room. He climbs happily into his stroller and spends the trip home alternately chatting about everything he got up to at day careand munching on a banana Ray has given him to keep him going until dinner.

7pm: Ray gets busy in the kitchen while Ben watches a Winnie the Pooh DVD in the living room and Maxie does her homework. “I do enjoy cooking but during the week I have to admit we tend to eat the same dishes – pastas, risottos, curries and shepherd’s pie. Once a fortnight we might have takeaway, but I’ve never taken Ben to any of the fast-food chains. We don’t watch a lot of TV, so luckily for me he hasn’t been exposed to that kind of advertising. He’s quite content to watch a DVD instead or do a puzzle. He’s very self-sufficient; he can sit and play happily by himself for a couple of hours at a time.”

8pm: After dinner, Ray bathes Ben and reads him a story before tucking him into bed. “It’s a pretty long day for him but he never seems over-tired and he’s such a cheerful little boy.” Making the most of the little precious time he has to himself, Ray pours a glass of sauvignon blanc (“I’ve become a bit of a fan since moving to New Zealand”) and settles down on the sofa with a book. “Or I might get my guitar out and practise a few songs. I taught myself to play when I was 15 and now I play in a covers band once a week. I’ve also written about two albums’ worth of material I’d like to record some day. It’s great to have something in my life other than work and being a parent; something that’s just for me.”

Photography: Fiona Tomlinson. Styling & Grooming: Lisa Matson.