Turning Points: April 06 - Wendy Curtis

Wendy Curtis, 35, lived a harrowing life of seesaw emotions until she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, where she finally discovered the source of her anguish.

“From a very young age I was super-sensitive. I remember telling my father at the age of eight that I didn’t deserve to live and that life wasn’t meant for me. Even from that age my moods swung like a pendulum. One minute I’d be staring at rainy skies convinced I was about to die, the next minute I would feel so alive that I’d find beauty in everything. I’d write poetry, draw, play the piano and laugh like there was no tomorrow. But I’d always crash down again. I would become too scared to cross the street and feel I wasn’t worthy to live. My parents had no idea what I felt; I kept all of it hidden from them.

“By the time I was twenty-two I was on this continual emotional seesaw and married with two toddlers, Jarred and Chloe [now 15 and 13 respectively]. Focusing on my children helped enormously when I had thoughts of killing myself. I kept thinking of what their life would be like without me, and I couldn’t do it. Then, when I became a single parent, my kids were amazing: just so kind and loving. They’d make me overly milky tea and cold vegemite toast, but I didn’t care; they made me laugh.

“When my second marriage fell apart, I realised that I couldn’t make clear, rational decisions about relationships. I didn’t think I was mentally ill; I simply felt that people, especially my husband at the time, were pushing me ‘over the edge’. Somehow, despite doting parents and a happy upbringing, I was convinced that I was nothing and that I deserved even less. I accepted any form of abuse I suffered in relationships until it got to the point of suicide… and then I’d resort to flight.

“It was not uncommon for me to spend three days feverishly preparing a perfect dinner party of the finest home-cooked gourmet fare for fourteen friends and then, halfway through the dinner party, find something go ‘snap’ in my head. I’d turn from a glamorous hostess into someone too frightened to do anything other than lie in the dark on my bedroom floor because I couldn’t face my guests. My friends had no idea what was going on; I kept everything a secret. 

“Sometimes in the middle of the night I’d walk alone four blocks to the beach, through fifty metres of bushland, just to catch a glimpse of the ocean, and feel untouchable and invincible! On another day, I’d be driving my car and suddenly have to stop because I’d be crying, completely unable to remember how to drive.

“By the time I was thirty-three I was worn out. My family admitted me to a psychiatric hospital for the first time and I was immediately diagnosed as bipolar and put on medication. The first night there was terrifying. I was with men and women who had severe mental disorders and I felt so alone. I begged to go home and cried when my family left me. It really was the darkest day of my life – or so I thought.
 
“After being there a few days, I began to feel relieved that finally everyone knew what I had been going through. I was amazed how much my family and friends came through for me – I’d never felt more love and support. I realised then it was up to me to get well and I made a conscious choice from then on to improve. After two weeks, the medication began to kick in and I began to feel different. It was as if someone lifted the fog from my brain and it had stopped raining.

“It’s been over a year now. I still get my blue days now and then, like anyone, but I’m proud to say I have a joy and an eagerness to live. What’s more, I live a full life with stability. I’m studying by correspondence and have developed a passion for photography, poetry and travel.

“Yes, I’m on medication for life, but that’s okay, considering the quality of life I now enjoy. I’m happy to talk about it with anyone and glad that bipolar is openly talked about in the wider community. Let’s face it, fifty years ago you would have been labelled a ‘loony’ quicker than a blink. I can’t go back and ‘unweave’ my life; I can only, as I wrote recently in one of my poems, pick up new threads and ‘weave contentment with fibres strong’.”

About bipolar disorder

• What is bipolar? Typified by alternating bouts of mania and depression, it is a type of psychosis, which means the person’s perception of reality is altered. Sufferers may realise that others consider their actions irrational, but fail to understand it themselves. Typically, bipolar disorder involves alternating cycles of mania and depression, each lasting for days, weeks or even months. 
• Common mania symptoms: feeling extremely euphoric or energetic; going without sleep; thinking and speaking quickly; reckless behaviour such as overspending; extreme sexual behaviour; aggression; irritability; and grandiose unrealistic plans. 
•  Common depression symptoms: withdrawal from people and activities; overpowering feelings of sadness and hopelessness; feeling anxious or guilty without reason; and suicidal thoughts and behaviour.
• When people experience an acute episode of mania or depression, they often require immediate care and treatment. These episodes can often be prevented by regular medication, such as lithium. 
• The cause: The underlying mechanisms of bipolar disorder are not fully understood, although a strong genetic predisposition has been established. One theory is that the illness might be linked to particular brain chemicals (neurotransmitters) that help
  regulate mood, called serotonin and norepinephrine. In a person with bipolar disorder, it is thought that these chemicals are easily thrown out of balance. 
• Earlier this year researchers at the University of NSW and the Garvan Institute of Medical Research announced they had identified one of the genes that contribute to bipolar. If verified by further studies, this will be the first gene to be identified as a risk factor for bipolar, and researchers hope that in time this will lead to better management of the disorder.

Getting help
It is estimated that around one in 50 Australians develop bipolar disorder. Seek help from a doctor, psychiatrist or psychiatric hospital, or call the SANE Helpline, 1800 18 SANE (7263) 9am to 5pm weekdays.

 

SANE Australia

SANE Australia is a national charity working for a better life for Australians affected by mental illness. Visit their website: www.sane.org

 

Words: Melisande Clarke and Josephine Brouard. Photography: Andrew Lehmann.  Styling: Nicholas Sholl. Hair & Make-up: David Novak-Piper.