All in the Family

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Many of us dream of giving underprivileged children a better life, but who actually takes the plunge and adopts a child from another country and culture? Josephine Brouard investigates.

Patricia Hoyle and Amy Ruo Rong now 4, from China

Single parent patricia Hoyle laughs ruefully as she remembers what she had to go through in order to become a mother to adorable Chinese-born Amy Ruo Rong, now four and a half years old. Diagnosed with endometriosis at 35 and newly alone after a broken relationship, the Sydney-based writer and editor says she did a lot of soul-searching before deciding to fly solo as a parent.

After spending almost three years on the infertility treatment roller-coaster, an experience Patricia, now 46, admits she would much rather erase from her memory, the determined woman started to investigate the possibility of adopting a child. “I never thought I stood a chance as a single woman but when I discovered adoption was possible, I was over the moon and wished I’d explored this option earlier. I was full of hope again and felt that at last I was on the right path.”

As it transpired, a gruelling assessment process meant the adoption took almost three years, but finally Patricia was able to travel to Guangzhou, China, to collect her daughter. By now 43 years of age, Patricia remembers how overcome with emotion she was when 18-month-old Amy was first placed into her arms.

However, the wait wasn’t quite over – eight nerve-fraying days of yet more paperwork ensued, and Patricia also had to learn to nurse her baby, who was sick with a fever at the time. Finally though, mother and daughter were able to fly home to Sydney, both their lives irrevocably changed.

“Like the pangs of labour that fade from memory, everything I had been through to get Amy disappeared once we were together,” says Patricia. “I have never been happier or more fulfilled. Some people see me as some kind of ‘saint’ for rescuing a child, but for me it was simply about wanting to be a mother. Of course, like all mothers, I get tired and cranky sometimes and long for a Sunday lie-in!”

Much of Patricia and Amy’s contentment as a family stems from the time they spend together. Patricia has sacrificed some material comforts in order to look after Amy full-time, mostly doing her freelance work when Amy is asleep, but says she has no regrets whatsoever about her decision to curtail her lifestyle.

The doting mother would like her daughter to be proud of both her Chinese and Australian heritage. Both she and Amy enjoy their weekly visits from a Chinese-born university student, who teaches them aspects of Chinese language (Mandarin) and culture, as well as teaching Patricia to cook authentic Chinese food.

Patricia says she has never tried to keep the fact of Amy’s adoption from her daughter. “Frankly, one cannot keep it hidden, even if one wants to,” Patricia points out. “Complete strangers often ask in front of Amy, ‘Is she yours?’, or comment that she doesn’t look like me.”

China ’s adoption laws mean that Amy will never know who her birth parents are, but Patricia has helped her to make friends who were also adopted from China, some even from the very same orphanage. “I am sure that these friends, with their similar backgrounds, will be a great source of comfort to her in the future,” Patricia reflects.

Tips for adoptive parents

• If you travel to another country to pick up your child, collect as much information and memorabilia pertaining to the child’s birth as you can. It will mean a lot to them later.
• Ensure your child has contact with other people in similar situations. The Inter-Country Adoptee Support Network (ICASN) services adoptees nationally. Go to www.icasn.org.
• Make sure your child’s birth culture is accessible to them right from the start. Don’t force it on them, but try to cultivate some pride in their culture, and to make sure they know as much as possible about their background.
• Acknowledge and discuss the fact that your child looks different to the rest of the family.
• Be aware of your motives for adopting and how that translates during communication with your child. For example, infertile couples may unwittingly promote adoption as a last resort – “We couldn’t conceive naturally and IVF failed, so we thought we’d adopt”. Think about how your adopted child might feel on hearing this.
• Visit the Benevolent Society’s Post Adoption Resource Centre website, www.bensoc.asn.au/parc for more information about adoptive parents and adopted children.
• Visit www.adoptioninformation.com for worldwide opportunities to adopt.
• For legal information regarding inter-country adoption, visit the website of the Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs, www.immi.gov.au/facts/36adopting.htm.

Words: Josephine Brouard. Photography: Sam McAdam. Hair & make-up: David Novak-Piper.