Granny love

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Today’s granny is just as likely to chair the board as set the table. She may find herself caught between the needs of ageing parents and busy children, and rather than trying to find ways to fill the day, she’s probably still finessing her schedule to fit everything in. The role of the matriarch has evolved but it is still a blessing.

It may take a little negotiation but being granny has never been more important or more deserving of celebration.

Doreen Cunningham, 73, moved from New Zealand to Australia in early 2004 to help her daughter Jaki Arthur, 36, care for Marianne, two.

“I really enjoy her; she’s a dear little girl,” says Doreen, helping Marianne down from the kitchen bench. “She’s just constantly amusing.” Doreen pauses for a cuddle and, peering over Marianne’s head, admits: “It gives me such a social life.”

Jaki is clearly Marianne’s mother – the similarity in looks and personality is striking, as is the bond between Marianne and Doreen. Tall and eloquent, Jaki says having her mother nearby has made a huge difference to her life. “Mum looks after Marianne five days a week, though for three of those days Marianne is at playschool half the day,” she says. “Before Mum moved here I just had daycare, but now we have a proper routine based around the home and it’s so much easier to do my job; just being able to look to the coming weeks and plan ahead is a revelation.”

Jaki works as group publicity manager for book publishing company Hachette Livre Australia, and has ben a sole parent since Marianne was born. While she’s quick to point out that she and Marianne’s father Andrew remain good friends, Andrew lives in London. Jaki says he makes a huge effort to remain a constant presence in their lives, but on a practical level she had to take sole responsibility for Marianne until Doreen moved to Sydney permanently. 

“I came over when Jaki was pregnant,” remembers Doreen, “and planned to stay for six months.” In anticipation of helping her daughter through the latter stages of pregnancy and the birth of her first child, Doreen had leased her home out and consigned her possessions to storage. “The days went so fast, and once it was time to go back I thought, ‘Well, what’s going to change in a month? In two months? If Jaki needs me now, she’ll need me then’. That’s when I decided I was going to stay.”

In the beginning, Doreen returned to New Zealand in order to organise a more permanent move and Jaki got on with setting up everyday life. With her maternity leave at an end and Marianne in full-time care, Jaki had the practical details in order, but was left carrying the emotional burden alone. “I’d talk to Mum and Andrew on the phone, but at the end of each day I’d come home and it was just me and Marianne.” It wasn’t so much the daily management that Jaki found hard, but the lack of emotional support. “I have great friends here, but no-one is as interested in Marianne as I am, except for Mum and Andrew.”

Watching Jaki and Doreen attend to Marianne together, it’s easy to see that they have the kind of unconscious routine that parents typically develop together. “With Mum around the corner it’s like another world for me,” says Jaki. “I’m actually parenting with someone else; the only difference is it’s not my husband.” And Doreen clearly revels in caring for her granddaughter. “It gives you a chance to be a child again,” she smiles, “and when else is a woman of my age free to play on the swings? Most of the time, I love it. As well as being with Marianne I get to be busy, to be useful; I still feel that I have a purpose.”

While caring for a young child can be tiring, Doreen speaks mainly of the joys. “Some days I’ll be wheeling Marianne along the beach and think, ‘How lucky am I to have all this time with her?’ There are some people who hardly ever see their grandchildren, while I’m watching mine grow up.”

Jaki loves the security of having her mother there, but says it’s the social side that brings the biggest benefit to their family. “Mum’s made friends with all the local mothers. We’ll be chatting away and she’ll say, ‘Well, we were at the park with Holly and Louise…’ Sometimes I wish I was the one at the park, but because it’s Mum it’s almost the same thing.”

Just like a traditional couple, Jaki and Doreen have had to learn to accommodate each other’s styles of parenting. “The one difficult thing is when I’ve had her all day and Jaki comes home and wants to take over,” reflects Doreen. “But on the whole it’s worked out better than I expected.” Doreen takes a moment to look at her daughter and then continues, “In some ways, I’m sure it’s easier for me than for Jaki.”

“It can be tough,” concedes Jaki, “but I’m sure that’s true for any parent who’s working full-time. It’s easy to look longingly at the one who stays at home – they get to see all the everyday things that you’re missing – but working was a choice as well as a necessity.” To stay in touch, Jaki speaks to Doreen and Marianne two to three times a day. “Marianne babbles away and then Mum gets on the phone and fills me in on their day. It’s really nothing special, yet sometimes we find it hysterical. That’s been the greatest gift Mum’s given me – the complicity that comes from raising a child together.”

Words: Francesca Newby. Photography: Scott Hawkins. Hair & make-up: David Novak-Piper.