School etiquette

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The start of a new school year is a time of fresh beginnings and a blank slate. Francesca Newby suggests this is your chance, as a parent, to get everything off on the best foot possible.

Another wonderful summer holiday comes to an end and the academic year – that long-anticipated return to reality – looms ever larger... Across the nation parents have applied vast quantities of ingenuity and invention to the eternal question: ‘What to do with the children?’ Filling the holidays with activities that entertain and develop our children without destroying our credit rating is tough enough. Trying to do that, juggle a working schedule and hang on to your sanity is nigh on impossible. Yet many of us manage to do it, and feel proud by the time the shiny, new school year comes around.

Which is why there is no better time to spare a thought for the wonderful people who get our children through a whole 40 weeks of development and entertainment on a shoestring budget and a jam-packed schedule… their teachers. I’d never make the claim that all teachers are wonderful paragons of patience and inspiration (except, of course, any of my children’s teachers – especially those who happen to read this), but it’s worth recognising that while some of us find the mere concept of six weeks’ holiday daunting, teachers do several terms a year, and most of them do a pretty fabulous job.

New year nerves
The beginning of the year is always a delicate moment in the ongoing saga of parent-teacher relationships. The emotion that accompanied the end of the previous year has finally faded; you may have had to say a sad goodbye to the person who nurtured your child through a tough year, or breathed a sigh of relief as you bid farewell to the one who just wasn’t the right fit for you or your kid. And now it’s time to meet and greet the individual who will bring form and structure to the coming year. There can’t be a teacher in history who hasn’t welcomed with open arms the prospect of a wonderful student or flinched at the coming onslaught of an infamous tiny terror. Yet a fresh year is an unknown quantity and those first few weeks are full of energy and shiny optimism – your job is to make the most of it.

Think of term one as a brief, yet lovely, window of opportunity and make sure your battle plan is up-to-date. Tactics as simple as sticking to uniform, supervising homework, reading all of the notes and always remembering to pack a lunch box should see your child launched in fine style. Volunteering for reading groups or excursions (if you have time) are excellent ways to help settle your offspring in, and earn a few brownie points at the same time. Then you can breathe a sigh of relief as it should be smooth sailing, at least until the first parent-teacher interview.

The interview
Approach the first conference as you would a first date – this event requires a firm resolve and a delicate touch, on both sides. While you may be one of the lucky ones whose interviews generally consist of a stream of superlatives praising the fabulous being who is your child, the chances are you’re going to have a few sticky moments. It’s worth bearing in mind that all comments less than complimentary should be examined in the light of ‘home truths’ before being automatically denied. It’s amazing the number of parents who are capable of being clear-eyed when it comes to their children’s behaviour in the home, yet refuse to consider the possibility that their darling is not always a model pupil. It’s especially endemic among the parents of firstborns. When it came to my eldest, the mere hint of criticism from a teacher could send me into fits of defensive tears, much to my husband’s disgust. Yet, somehow, when my son played up at home I saw no irony or hypocrisy in listing his shortcomings in detail. So the next time a professional educator suggests that your dearly loved child is less than an angel, it may be worth consulting your mental checklist of domestic incidents – you may find a little common ground.

One hint – and it took me until my third child to grasp this one – it’s your child who is at the centre of this process, not you. Stating the obvious, perhaps, but it is so easy to feel responsible for every aspect of your child that even constructive criticism seems just one more way of pointing out that you’re not doing your job properly. It took a while for me to realise that while I was responsible for the health and wellbeing of each of my children, I could actually take very little credit for who they were. By number three, this had evolved to the delightful realisation that neither did I have to take full responsibility.

The trick is to walk that fine line between being involved and getting in the way; between supporting your child and undermining the teacher. While getting the balance right may seem tricky, it’s an awful lot easier than standing in front of a group of half-formed beings and trying to simultaneously control, develop and inspire. Remember that to them your child is a special individual, but also one of a group of special individuals. While teachers make every effort to relate to, and educate, each child as best they can, they can’t and won’t have the same relationship with your baby as you do. Consider that to be a blessing. School is an arena within which children can learn everything from their times tables, to who they really are – free from the assumptions of your family.

Words: Francesca Newby