Turning Points: Jan 06 - Alexis Muggeridge

Following your heart can allow your hidden potential to flourish, but sometimes your unseen frailties are laid bare first.

Alexis Muggeridge, 35, was stunned when she experienced postnatal depression after the birth of her son, James. She recovered but the birth of her second son, Will, plunged her back into the depths of despair.

“I was thirty when I became pregnant the first time. Simon and I have known each other since 1990 and we’d been married for three years before we had James. We were both very excited about starting a family. It was a fantastic pregnancy. I felt the healthiest I’d ever felt.

“It was a six-hour labour and a completely normal birth, but when James was handed to me he seemed so alien. Even when we took him home I said, ‘Now what do we do?’ I lost weight, and can remember being very focused on how I looked. I think it was a way to get people to notice me and to say, ‘Gosh, you look good’. I think I purposely did that so people would notice me and not talk about James all the time.

“I was very stressed; I wasn’t sleeping and I’d burst into tears at the drop of a hat. I never got to the point where I thought I would do James harm, but if I saw a knife on the table I’d have visions of him hurting himself, or of something awful happening to him.

“When James was one I got help and went to Tresillian [a NSW-based organisation offering help and guidance to mothers and babies] once a week for eight weeks, where I was with other women with postnatal depression. It was great to be around women who could admit that they weren’t coping. We did a lot of cognitive behavioural therapy – challenging thoughts, recognising how you feel and looking at the deep-down reasons why you have depression. There are really personal aspects of my life that I recognised were causing some of the thoughts I had. A breakthrough for me was being able to get in the car and take James places without panicking about feeding him at a certain time.

“Will was born in 2003, when James was three. I was so naïve – I thought that there was no way that I’d get depression again. But when Will was about four months old my husband told me he could see it was happening again. I remember being so hurt; I thought that I was doing so well, but later I realised that he was right. I was having terrible dreams about Will, and this time they involved me hurting him.

“After that, I felt myself slipping into a deep, dark hole, and I just crashed. I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t look at Will; I didn’t want to have anything to do with him. After seeing a psychologist I was admitted to hospital. For the first month, I refused to breastfeed Will. I have a huge blank about that time; my husband told me I was on suicide watch for two weeks.

“As well as counselling, I took anti-depressants for a little while and they really helped me. It took about twelve months before I started feeling vaguely better, and I knew I was my old self when I started doing things again that I loved. Looking back, I know that I always loved my boys, but that love was buried deep by a dark depression. My husband’s faith in me helped to uncover it. Depression robs you of everything that is dear to you. But when times seem really bleak, there is always a way out; always people – family, doctors, therapists – to help you. And you will get better.

Postnatal Depression
It is estimated that about 10 per cent of Australian women will suffer from postnatal depression and/or anxiety. Unlike the normal short-lived ‘baby blues’ – a time of tearfulness and self-doubt that about 80 per cent of new mothers experience in the days after birth – postnatal depression is a serious disorder that may take months to diagnose, and longer to treat.

“Postnatal depression is a multi-faceted problem,” says Kerry Lockhart, unit manager of the Mother and Baby Unit at St John of God Hospital, a private psychiatric hospital in Burwood, Sydney. “There is seldom one reason a woman suffers from this type of depression.”

 

Contributing factors can include:

• A recent death of someone close
• A history of miscarriages
• An anxious personality
• Depression during pregnancy
• Marital conflict
• Poor relationship with mother
• House renovations or moving
• A family history of depression
• Obstetric problems in pregnancy
• No partner when the baby is born

Women who experience a cluster of these behaviours or events are more vulnerable to postnatal depression. Indicators are many and varied, although there is a consistent thread. “An inability to cope is often the first thing a mother recognises about herself,” says Kerry. “Many women are struggling with loss of control; the overwhelming sense of feeling out of control crops up continually.”

 

Symptoms can include:

• Sadness
• Exhaustion
• Guilty feelings, especially when the pregnancy was long awaited
• Anger
• Panic
• Unworthiness
• Feelings of helplessness and, sometimes, hopelessness
• Feeling numb
• Scary thoughts about suicide and sometimes infanticide
• Scary thoughts that harm might befall their child or partner, or of being rejected by their partner
• Sleep and weight disturbances
• Irritable mood
• Loss of energy and concentration
• Loss of interest and confidence
• Loss of libido

Some women will know that something is not right, but they need to talk to someone, especially if they are having scary thoughts involving the safety of themselves and/or their baby/s. Mothers can suffer alone for three to five months, or longer, before seeking help. “A lot of women are stoic and don’t get help until they slam up against the wall and a partner or health professional recognises that something is wrong,” says Kerry, who began her career as a midwife then worked as an early childhood health nurse, before becoming involved in perinatal mental health more than eleven years ago.

Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes for postnatal depression. The key to recovery is recognising the problem and quickly seeking help. All women need support, whether it be from their partner, friends or family. It is essential for them to see their doctor if they are not improving. Kerry says professional help is beneficial, as are support groups where women can listen and talk to other women suffering from this debilitating problem, hopefully learning new coping skills.

“Being able to normalise problems is extremely important, as many of these women often feel very isolated because they are not experiencing the sense of joy that they have been told is a ‘natural’ part of motherhood,” she says.

The recovery process can be slow, usually three to five months, although some mothers may need up to 12 months before they start to feel back to normal. The majority of women can get by without medication if they have support, but some do need medication and medication can be life saving.

“The good news is that something can be done to help women suffering from postnatal depression,” says Kerry. “It is vital, however, that the warning signs are recognised and acknowledged. There is no magic pill, but there is a way through with the help of health professionals, family and friends.”

 

Words: Melisande Clarke and Josephine Brouard. Photography: Andrew Lehmann   Styling: Nicholas Sholl.