So close yet so far

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With friends and family increasingly scattered interstate and overseas, how do people stay close and connected?
As Australians we love to travel. Whether for work or pleasure, we are travelling more than ever before. Perhaps our physical separation from the rest of the world is part of the reason we seem so beguiled by her. We’re also swapping states more than ever, often in search of a cheaper cost of living or better work opportunities. But as one person ventures off into the distance, what happens to the emotional expanse between them and the loved ones they leave behind? Do we need to be physically close to those we love to stay emotionally connected? Or can good relationships survive even the greatest distance?
The friends
When Debra Miller, 33, moved to Sydney two years ago for her job in event management, it not only meant saying goodbye to her hometown of Melbourne and her family, it also meant bidding a sad farewell to her closest group of girlfriends. Sydney and Melbourne may not be a million miles apart, but for such a close-knit group it signified a change in dynamics. It also meant not being able to catch up for their regular breakfasts, where they would share what was going on in their lives; nor could Debra sneak next door to her friend Lyndal’s place in her pyjamas for their impromptu dinners.
Within a year of Debra’s move, Lyndal also had to relocate for work, only her move was a little further... to Macau, in southern China. But in the same way they were divided, Lyndal and Debra were reunited (albeit briefly), when Debra flew to China on a work trip a few months ago. On the way back, she stopped over in Macau for 10 days to visit Lyndal. “We hadn’t seen each other in months, but we instantly clicked back into the way we’ve always been together,” says Debra, “with us trying to find a place for our breakfast catch-up, and her advising me on what clothes to buy when we went shopping!” In the absence of work trips bringing them together though, they’ve taken advantage of even the shortest amount of time in the same country. “Lyndal flew to Melbourne at Christmas, but I couldn’t make it down at the same time. She had to change flights in Sydney so I rushed to the airport and we met for a whirlwind catch-up in the airport coffee lounge!” she says, laughing.
Debra flies to Melbourne to visit her friends and family every few months, as well as for big events such as Christmas. Yet some events can never be planned for, and even the shortest distance can feel far too far away. A few months after Debra’s move, one of her closest friends, Michaela, was diagnosed with cancer. “That was really difficult for me to deal with because I couldn’t be there for her. I flew to Melbourne a few times and saw her, but we didn’t talk a great deal in that period as she found it quite hard to get on the phone,” she says. So despite all the technologically advanced methods of keeping in touch we have at our disposal, Debra found one of the oldest methods of contact the most affecting – the humble card. “The way I dealt with not being able to talk to her or see her as often as I would have liked was I sent her lots of cards in the mail just to say, ‘Hi, I’m here and thinking of you.’ She’s since said she really loved those cards and it helped her get through week to week because she looked forward to receiving them so much.”
And that is something Debra has realised. Maintaining close friendships from a distance is less about keeping up on each and every day-to-day activity and more about continuing to nurture their underlying bond. Facebook, emails, texts and phone calls have all become vital for staying in touch, but Debra also regularly sends cards now, simply to let her friends know she misses them and is thinking of them. “Most people only receive bills in the mail these days, so I think receiving a personalised card has a greater effect than an email or text, even if it’s just to say hi.”
With a busy life herself, and equally busy girlfriends, Debra says the added distance can actually be a good thing for friendships, forcing them to put in extra effort to stay in touch, even during their busiest times. “I visited Melbourne at Easter and caught up with some friends who I felt I was losing touch with a little.
But their lives had been incredibly busy due to new babies and moving house so they hadn’t actually seen anyone in Melbourne for ages, either, even though they live so close,” she says.
Living in different cities has also given Debra and her friends an increasingly rare opportunity for one-on-one time together, and the time apart means they truly appreciate it. “I’ve known my best friend, Sue, since we were three and she now has three young kids. Last year she made her first trip to Sydney away from her children and we had the most fantastic time. We had dedicated time together, just the two of us, which hadn’t happened in a long time – so that was really special,” she says.
Of course, moving away from friends also meant Debra was forced out of her comfort zone, having to make new friends in Sydney, too. “My neighbour, Luke, kept inviting me to go to the pub and meet his friends. At first I was like, ‘I’m okay. I’m coping on my own, thanks very much,’ but eventually I said, ‘Yes, of course I should be doing this.’ So I did, and I’ve become really good friends with him and a lot of the people in my area,” she says.
But no matter how many new friends she makes, Debra is certain her oldest friends will always be in her life. If anything, she says the move away has only focused her friendships. “Distance can mean some friendships fall by the wayside; but it’s generally people I seldom caught up with anyway. The time I spend in Melbourne is so precious I only want to share it with my family and closest friends. It’s a shame I’ve probably lost a few friends, but I know my dearest friends will always be there, and I’ll know them the rest of my life.”
And with a potential move to Beijing, China on the cards for work this year, Debra laughs at the fact that while it would mean moving away from some friends, it would actually mean moving closer to Lyndal. “It’s the way the world is built nowadays. When I was growing up, if anyone lived interstate or overseas it was so exotic and amazing,” she says. “Now, only 10 or 15 years later, if someone lives interstate or even overseas, it’s no big deal - it’s nowhere near as far as it used to be.”
Wherever she ends up, Debra now knows that no amount of distance will come between her and her friends. “We have too many memories and good times to let go of that. It may take some work, but it’s important to keep cherishing and nurturing those friendships.”
Words: Laura Venuto. Photography: Sam McAdam. Hair & Make-up: Tira Jaye